A tale of a hawk

Nature can be beautiful, yet it can be equally as cruel and punishing.  I think this is a struggle that some homesteaders and farmers face, it is why some of us name or don’t name our livestock, it is why I will spend more to buy meat from a local farmer and seven dollars for a gallon of milk, it is why I cannot imagine getting a dozen eggs for a dollar, because in owning chickens, I know they have personalities, they need more than a two by two pen to be happy. 

I struggle to write this story, but do so because I cannot express it out loud, it has been running on a loop in my mind since it happened, and I hope getting it out will cause the loop to stop. 

It was a typical Friday night, I let the chickens out at the end of the day to free range, I was sitting at my kitchen table going through a box of new soap making supplies and planning my next batch, and since I was inside, the dogs were inside, asleep at my feet.  I got a little side tracked as I usually do, and decided to go downstairs to shred some old credit cards.  I took a look out the window to see my hens happily pecking the ground and went down to the basement.  I was gone about ten minutes, the dogs were inside, I was shredding, it was loud, and created the perfect storm outside.

I returned to my seat at the table and looked up, and to my despair, I saw the most horrifying site-a very large hawk was standing in the middle of a million little feathers, frantically pulling more and more from my beloved silkie, Kika.  I ran out the door, screaming…I think I was yelling no, but those moments were fast and chaotic--I could have yelled anything.   I ran towards the bird and it flew away with my little hen clutched in its talons.  I went over the fence in pursuit of the bird, intent on retrieving Kika, I was barefoot; I remember this because as I cleared the fence, I remember walking across what felt like dried holly leaves.  Just around the corner of my neighbors shed, stood the hawk that in any other situation, I would have looked at in fascination, I was within a foot of it, magnificent and beautiful, I looked directly into its yellow eyes, and it must have seen the anguish and determination in my face because the bird let go of Kika and flew away.  In retrospect, what I did, coming that close to a hungry, wild bird of prey was dangerous and foolish.  I don’t know what I intended to accomplish, I had nothing to fight the bird with, it certainly couldn’t have been reasoned with--perhaps the universe knew that I had endured all I could at that moment and that seeing that hawk fly off with a chicken that was more of a pet than anything else would have been too cruel, even for nature.  I guess I am grateful knowing that I would act, that I would not freeze up, that I would throw caution to the wind under pressure.  We all say we would do anything to protect our loved ones or animals, at least now I know adrenaline will kick in.

I picked up Kika’s body and hopped the fence, only to hear my five year old son come outside, he must have heard the commotion.  I quickly put Kika in the shed in her box she slept in at night, and I went inside.  I broke the news to my little guy who offered the kind innocent five year old comfort, and as sad as he was, he knew I was sadder.

I went outside and cleaned up the murder of my little bird, the feathers are never ending, even days later.  I have since buried her and tried to move past it.  My research on line brings me to the conclusion that the hawk must have been migrating south.  We live in a populated neighborhood and aside from turkey vultures and a couple of owls, I have never seen or heard any hawks around my home.  I absurdly thought that living in a populated neighborhood with our canopy of trees provided shelter and protection from above, today however, my son and I will be constructing a “Scare hawk” just in case. 

I am still at a loss on how to think.  I look out the back window and my eyes well up with tears, I feel like I failed, a costly mistake.  I close my eyes, my chest fills with anxiety and I relive that moment, I cannot unsee the horror.  I go to the backdoor and my eyes scan the sky.  Days now start with an empty spot, and they end with heartache as Kika always hopped up the back steps and waited to come inside before going to roost for the night.  I had a breeder hatching some silkie friends for Kika, I am torn as to whether or not I want to open my heart again…but seeing as he is hatching them at my request, I have set up hoping that time will begin to heal my heart.

The last photo I took of Kika

She loved to come inside and watch TV with me

Rosie questioning a chickens intent when crossing the road.

 

 

Meet the Flock(ers)

Growing up, I was exposed to my grandfather's menagerie of random farm animals...from chickens, ducks, geese, goats, guinea pigs (I still scratch my head over that one), rabbits, turkeys, bees, emus...so it is no wonder that I too, have a hankering for raising animals.  This past August, we purchased our first chickens; now I cannot go too crazy since we live in a neighborhood, but I can at least do a little to be somewhat self reliant. 

We started with four chicks.  I was supposed to have three Americanas and one Black Australourpe, but needless to say, as time has passed, it is quite apparent my Australourpe is a Black Sex Link, but no worries, she has turned out to be a great chicken.  So far, I have found that chickens make great pets...and they also make your breakfast...okay, so they don't prepare it, but they lay some pretty amazing eggs.

Here is my flock :)  This is the day we brought them home...aren't they adorable?

This is our first 'coop' we bought it from a neighbor for $50, wasn't that a steal?

Here are the ladies free ranging, how many chickens do you see?

My very first egg, laid on January 27, 2013, I kept it and plan to blow out the insides and keep the egg :)  nerdy, I know.

 

 

We attempted to give the girls "rapper" names because one of our Americana's had the puffiest cheeks...so she was dubbed "Puff Mama" but it didn't work out so well. 

 

This is Big Red Chicken, she ended up being named for BRC on Dora the Explorer, which we still watch rather frequently, unfortunately.  BRC is an Americana and lays a large blue egg.  Big Red is the noisy one of the group.  She is best friends with Eminem.

 

This is Puff Mama.  Don't tell the others, but she is by far my favorite, she is an Americana and fairly small, maybe only a 2 or 3 pounds.  She is a great egg layer, I usually get one small olive egg per day, I pretty sure she laid my first egg.  She is happy to let me pick her up and carry her around.  Puff is friendly and will hang out with BRC and Em, thus leaving Vanilla Ice out :(

This is Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Miss Prissy Pants, she is also an Americana.  She is the most aloof of the girls, and I believe she lays the least eggs.  The others don't seem to like her.  Eminem is frequently found hen-pecking her, so she is missing some feathers on her head and neck.  When free ranging, she is ALWAYS on her own as the others are in their snobby little trio.   If she is out and I need to round them up, she is the one I ALWAYS have trouble with.  She really is a beautiful bird, aside from her lack of personality.

This is Eminem.  She has the most personality, by far, and is also the largest of the group.  She lays a nice sized brown egg.  Her BFF (Best Fowl Friend) is Big Red Chicken.  Em will frequently chase you through the yard hoping for a treat of some sort.  She loves Mealworms and yogurt.  As proven in the last picture, she enjoys coming to the back door for a visit.

Here is Em coming to visit:

So, there are my girls.  I have intentions of adding a couple Barred Rocks and a couple of Silkies to the group this Spring.  The Silkies are mostly for nostalgic purposes since my Poppop always had them around, plus, they make great pets and are quite affectionate.  Needless to say, we have since built a bigger coop, it is quite addicting :)  I will post pictures of the new coop and run another day.

What I am growing in my window

I love March!  March means that Spring is almost here and if you know me, you know I highly anticipate Spring the very first day of Fall...Of course, if you saw all the leaves I get to contend with every Fall, you might understand.

As I look out my front window, I see only dreary gray.  It is cloudy outside and there is even a chance of snow.   I am desperate for color outside, plus the greenery gives me a little privacy from my neighbors.  So, until it is green again, I must improvise with what I am growing in my kitchen window.

I have started my own mini windowsill garden in pretty much the only window of my house that gets any sun.  

Here you see I have basil, celery, green onions, (a super cute Dollar Tree solar Daisy) romaine lettuce, more basil, and more celery.  The basil was purchased as rooted plants at the grocery store.  We love bacon and basil wrapped chicken, so planting and reusing the plants is a money saver considering each plant is usually $4.  The celery was done by cutting the base and putting it in water for a week or so and then transferring it to potting soil.  *Note I do regret putting it in a jar with a tapered neck, it now needs to be replanted and I am afraid I will need to break the jar to get it out without damaging the growth.*  The green onion I simply cut from the white roots and put in soil, I have cut it back completely a couple of times, and now I am not getting the same growth as I was, which may be in part to my adorable son overwatering...here is a picture of my garden a few weeks later:

You can see the green onions aren't quite so lush as they were before, but the celery is taking off and the basil is nice and thick.  I did remove the romaine lettuce as it needs to go from water to soil, and today, I am adding pineapple :)

To start your pineapple plant, start with a pineapple, and gently twist off the top

Then, peel the bottom layers of the stalk part,

Finally, submerge the top in water until you see a nice set of roots.  I like this small jar as it keeps only the bottom in the water and allows the roots to grow out without the pressure of being on the bottom of the glass.

So, until my zone (7) allows me to go outside and start my summer garden, this will do for now.

What are you growing in your windowsill?

Busy Cooking, Sunday's aren't for resting!

Back in the fall, I knew I had to be away from home for a couple of nights, so to make things easier, I prepared a couple of meals ahead of time for the family.  I spent an afternoon getting things prepared from some recipes I found on Pinterest.  Things went well and I didn't worry about what Brian and the kids would eat while I was gone.

Enter January, I have Tang Soo for the little guy on Wednesday and carpool for Paige on Thursday.  I like to cook, one would think I would have it all planned out, but I am also a procrastinator.  Sometimes I do my best work under pressure, but not dinner.

I have been pinning recipes like crazy.  I have also been clearing out the freezer to prepare and freeze a good deal of meals so that I can stop stressing on Wednesday and Thursday.  I promised a few people I would share what I did, so here goes...

I sat down with the sale circulars and compared prices for the things I would need.  I know a lot of people use coupons, I do when I make the time to collect them and sort them and cut them...but did you know you can save money just by sitting down and looking at the papers?  I made a list from the Acme circular and a list from the Fresh and Greens circular.  Acme had a special on bagged produce, $1 a bag for carrots, celery, broccoli/carrots, coleslaw mix, mushrooms, so I stocked up.  Fresh and Greens had a special on boneless chicken, $1.99 a pound (compared to the $3.99 at Acme) so I REALLY stocked up on that.

There are many pins on Pinterest for crockpot meals from the freezer and pre-made meals that also give a shopping list which is great, BUT, a lot of those meals didn't seem appealing to me.  I love soups and stews, I am actually having split pea soup that I made Saturday night, for breakfast...BUT, kids aren't especially fond of soup, and soup for dinner several times a week?  No thank you.  So, I decided that it was better for us if I ventured out on my own and gathered my own recipes.

Crock pot Chicken Teriyaki
The original recipe can be found here.  This is what I did to alter it for my purposes.

1 large (1 pound) chicken breast
1 chicken boullion cube
1 cup water
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 spoonful minced garlic
1 bag of fresh broccoli and carrots

I added all the ingredients into a ziplock bag, wrote the instructions and date and this is what it looks like:

I have three of these dinners waiting for us.

I was asked when I began this if I was going to do "clean" recipes.  Well, I am sure that "clean" eating is different to different people.  I am more of a moderation/non- prepared person, I like to eat what I want, but know where things came from, so if I want cookies, I make them from scratch, and give most of them away.  We don't eat prepared food so if we have chicken nuggets, it is chicken I have breaded and fried myself. To me, while these aren't the healthiest recipes, they are clean in that I prepared them, I know what is in them.  Enough of my soap box.

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that my favorite food to make is Sweet and Sour Chicken.   I knew I had to figure out a way to make it easy to prepare.  So, I made three bags of prepared chicken for my wonderful Sweet and Sour chicken.  I set up an assembly line so to speak:

 

That is more than 4 pounds of chicken, an egg, and gluten free Bisquick.  For my health reasons, I try to avoid any excess gluten.  I have used cornstarch and rice flour as well for breading with great success.  After breading, I pan fry the chicken in batches using coconut oil.  I let the "nuggets" cool completely on a baking sheet prior to bagging.

 

 

I now have the chicken ready for this recipe for Sweet and Sour Chicken and Fried Rice.  I will make the fried rice later ready to freeze.  To prepare this meal, all I have to do is get out the chicken, make up the sauce and stick it in the oven and the rice in the microwave.

 

 

Two of my recipes I got here, though I altered them to fit my needs.

 

Honey Sesame Chicken

1 lb boneless chicken
3 tbsp coconut oil
1 cup honey
2 tbsp sesame seeds
1/2 cup soy sauce (LaChoy, gluten free)
2 tsp sesame oil
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 package stir fry veggies

 

A little tip about "gluten free", if something is labled "gluten free" they charge extra for it.  Chances are, if you look, you CAN find things sans gluten.  Soy sauce typically has gluten in it.  LaChoy soy sauce is not labled gluten free, however, it is not made with a wheat by-product.  While I would typically choose Kikkoman, their "gluten free" soy sauce is more than a dollar more than LaChoy.

I have three bags of these meals and all I have to do is add rice.  Thankfully I purchased a rice cooker from my local Swap and Sell on Facebook for $5.  It was brand new and a life saver!

I made three meals of the Beef Stroganoff as well.

Beef Stroganoff

2 minced onions
3 lb. stew beef
2 packages chopped mushrooms
1 32 ounce container sour cream
3 servings of  'cream of' soup found here (again, I am as gluten free as I can be, and don't like prepared foods, I made my own "cream of" stock)
2 8 ounce bars cream cheese
salt
pepper

For this recipe, I had to alter to get it to work since I wasn't using a can of soup as the base.  I had to actually prepare the base by adding milk and cooking.  I went ahead and added the cream cheese and sour cream and then split the sauce between the three bags, which is what I did with the onions, beef, and mushrooms.  I did buy some egg noodles but will probably just use rice since it is gluten free.

I also purchased a brand new food processor on my local swap and sell for $7, I used it to dice the onions.  Completely worth the $7!

 The end result looks like this,

After preparing the meals I have 3 Beef Stroganoff, 3 Chicken Teriyaki, 3 Honey Sesame Chicken, 3 chicken nuggets for Sweet and Sour Chicken.  My freezer looks like this,

I also have 2 meatloafs (I always prepare extra meatloafs) that are behind yesterday's meals.  My goal is to prepare meals each week to add to this shelf based upon what is on sale.

I added it up and each meal is less than $6 each.  Of course, I had some things on hand, the major expenses were purchased yesterday, chicken, beef, fresh veggies, honey was more than $8.  I am a big fan of Asian based recipes...a family of four cannot eat at an Asian restaurant for less than $30-40, so SCORE!  I would love if you would share your favorite freezer recipes!

A new chapter 1/28/13

Oh my, where did I go?  Well, this will be an update of all updates.

I began this blog as a way to get out what was inside during deployment.  I was insistant that I wasn't going to be one of those people that complained all the time or made deployment my life.  I wasn't going to be attached to my phone and always waiting for a call or an email.  I wasn't going to be one of those people that stopped living.  Blogging helped and I met a few awesome people along the way.  I received a lot of feedback and words of encouragement and from what I have been told, helped quite a few people with their journeys as well.

Brian returned home in August of 2012, since he had just been home for R&R, it wasn't the emotional homecoming that it would have been had he not been home just a few short months ago.  Yes, I declared time as "few short months" that happens when you are not IN a deployment.  Time is funny.

Needless to say, things went quite well and we didn't have the 'adjustment' period that many people talk about.  I guess we are just fortunate that way.  We did get about 5 weeks to spend lounging around the house and by the time he had to head back to work...I wasn't ready.  I think that says a good thing about our relationship.

We have started a couple of endeavors since his return.  We live in an area that has an area tea festival, and me, being of Japanese descent, it was only fitting to have our own tea company.  So, in October 2012, Chester River Tea Company was born.  Brian has been doing quite a bit of research on survival, self reliance, and preparedness...so we discussed it with our accountant, family and friends and started Shore Survival, which will offer classes and such on how to survive in an emergency or when the SHTF.  Both companies have Facebook pages and we would love to see anyone there.

The next chapter will be a collaboration of all things that may be helpful, it may be tips and suggestions for self reliance, it may be military related, it may be pictures of my chickens, my newest obsession.  I hope that whatever it is, you will be inclined to keep reading for the ride.

Cheers, Namaste, Ciao, Sayanara :)

Chapter 28 "Thanksgiving in August"

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

I think it is only appropriate to celebrate Thanksgiving in August, I may even prepare the fancy meal for I have so much to be thankful for.  There are a few people/organizations that have greatly contributed to my family coming out on the other side, sane and intact.

Our Military Kids gave Cooper a grant to attend martial arts for six months, free of charge.  I asked around and was given high recommendations for a local place, Phoenix Martial Arts, aka Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do.  I cannot express what a Godsend this grant was.  Twice a week I was able to have a thirty minute break that I didn't need to feel guilty for.  Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do went above and beyond for our family, in the times when Cooper was having difficulty, they made sure to give him the confidence in which he then used to excel.  I strongly urge anyone that is considering getting their child involved in something, look into martial arts, observe a class, ask around and find the right fit for your child, and if you are local to my area, you will not do better for your child than Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do.

I am thankful for my/our family that helped out or offered support.  In particular, my sister and her family gave up a lot of time to spend several weekends/weeks with us.  It is a bit of a haul to get from her house to mine, along with packing her daughter up and enduring the drive.  We are forever grateful for her/their sacrifice.  Never did she complain about the distance, nor make me feel bad for coming up.  They helped pass the time and provided us with great entertainment, and gave me a reason to cook.  When I think of family, she epitomizes it.  I know, without a doubt, she would drop everything if I asked her.  I know she wouldn't make me feel guilty or like an imposition for it.

I have a couple of close "real life" friends that offered on many occasions to entertain us.  I knew that if I was in a bind, they could be called upon and if they could, they would, no questions asked.  Countless meals were accompanied by play dates, usually a glass (or more) of wine.  They were never patronizing or judgmental about how I was or was not handling my life.  These friends have job(s) and families of their own, yet always found time to incorporate us into their lives.  They know who they are and I hope I can repay their friendship!

I have innumerable online friends and supporters.  Years ago, one of these friends had a picture online that stated "all my friends live in my computer", and that has stuck with me for all that time.  Though some people cannot be there to give you an actual hug or share in a glass of wine, they are without a doubt there; you know that they think of you because you think of them.  You share their joys, their sorrows, you anticipate the birth of their children, you watch them grow, you become so invested in their lives that you might very well be closer to them than those who are right next to you.  They understand things that no one else could come close to understanding.  No one on the outside could ever understand the bond we share.

There are many other people who have contributed in some way or another, sometimes it was simply a cashier that noticed my military ID, or someone that inquired about my "Son in Service" magnet on the car and thanked our family for our service/sacrifice and asked that I also pass along their gratitude to Brian.  It is hard to be in this position, to be forced to ask for help or to accept it when you prefer to do things on your own, so I was especially grateful for anyone that has taken that burden from me and just extended a kindness.  I hope that someday I am able to pay it forward.

Come to think of it, I think I will have Thanksgiving in August, turkey with all the trimmings, I will invite family and friends and we will rejoice in the year that is soon behind us.  Perhaps I will find a way to involve those who cannot be here with us to celebrate, a Skype Thanksgiving, after all, we are used to that!



*If I did not mention you specifically, please do not allow your feelings to be hurt, my intention was to point out that there were many people that contributed to our success, I did not name anyone outright as to not cause drama.  Chances are if you are in our lives, you somehow helped us through and your efforts will be remembered.

Chapter 26 "Like a thief in the night" 07/30/2012

I have often thought it would be cool if I didn't need to sleep.  I could get so much done, it would almost be a super power.  I am not a good "sleeper", never really have been, which probably explains why my kids, when little, were not good sleepers, but that frustration is another post.

I have suffered with bouts of insomnia for all my life.  For a while I was sleeping so well, I attribute it to cutting out caffeine and wine thanks to my irritable stomach.  Last week, insomnia found me again.  I am getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel tired at all, but I feel like I should be sleeping since my body needs it, and my kids need me to be alert, less cranky, and more patient.

One of my fondest memories, I kid you not, was an awesome nights sleep I had about six years ago.  Sad right?  Brian was deployed at the time and I went to my uncle's for dinner and to spend the night.  I remember sitting down for dinner and being tired and going to bed around 8:30 sleeping through the night and waking up around 6:00 am feeling fully rested and energized.  I do not remember feeling that good in the morning, rest wise ever since, of course, I have had Cooper since then and even on the rare occasion that he sleeps soundly through the night, I am still aware that he "might" wake up and if he doesn't, I constantly worry something may be wrong.  Oh the life of the mother!

Chapter 27 "Tying up loose ends" 08/07/2012

I admit, I have been beyond fortunate in the two deployments I have endured.  Very rarely have I gone a day without some type of email, instant message, Skype date, or phone call, and if I did, I knew in advance.  

We are coming up on the end of this year apart and for reasons I will not disclose, just to err on the side of safety, I did not hear from Brian for a couple of days.  Right here and now I have to give major credit to the women who go for days, weeks, or months without hearing from their SO's.  It is a difficult enough job to hold down the fort, but to not hear from them is pure torture.  I found myself getting cranky and more impatient than normal.  I knew he was fine, but like I said, I have been spoiled.

On a side note, at the end of a deployment there seem to be a lot of loose ends to tie up.  Currently I am trying to close out my MyCAA benefits, which allowed me to use this time to further my education/skills.  Of course, since I have not logged on for quite some time and the password they want you to use has to be over 16 characters long, include 2 upper case, 2 lower case, 2 numbers, and 2 special characters, I forgot, imagine that!  So, then I had to get a special email to my AKO Webmail account which wasn't working properly, and once I finally got that working I had to change my password, make a phone call, resubmit some paperwork...it is not even 12:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted!  But, the good news is I thought I was going to have to pay close to $200 to make up the difference of the final bill but since things had gone the way they had, I was able to resubmit for the additional funds.

There are a lot of opportunities for those of us stateside during a deployment.  I strongly urge anyone going through a deployment or preparing to, to take full advantage of the possibilities to further your own career or knowledge. 

Chapter 25 "The caveat, you get used to being alone" 07/29/2012

We spend days, weeks, and months alone, wishing for our loved ones to come home, only to approach homecoming and suddenly get cold feet.  As with most things deployment, it sounds ridiculous and confusing, like fighting when you should be savoring precious moments, or smiling through tears. 


R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation.  A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt.  This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things.  We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.

Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home.  Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around.  I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation.  I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back. 

I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well.  Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too.  They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order.  Oh my. 

A lot can happen and change in a year.  Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.

Chapter 24 "Time is an enigma" 07/24/2012

Time is an enigma when you are married to the military. 

This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail.  The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined.  I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will  have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..." 

Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost.   I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast.  The reality is, it did.  I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.  

This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone.  This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.

Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives.  The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun. 

Chapter 23 "And Another Day Bites The Dust" 07/21/2012

For the past two deployments I have sent Brian an email just about every day, sometimes two if I have something extra to add that I may have forgotten, but rarely have I missed a day. 

Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion.  I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience.  Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails.  Oh how far we have come!  Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then.  There is nothing like a little perspective.

As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter.  I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down.  I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief.  I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!

Chapter 22 "And she puts it all in little boxes" 07/10/2012

For some reason I do my best thinking in bed before I fall asleep.  I often wish I had some way to think my thoughts onto paper, because if I bothered taking the time to write things down they would be fleeting.  Last night I had an epiphany.  Honest to God I bet a light bulb actually went off over my head.  I don't recall what or why I thought of it, but I realized that my life is spent separating every thing and every one and every emotion.  I think it is how I manage deployment.

I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized.  One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER.  Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch?  Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow?  I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags.  Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc.  Sounds silly right?  In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control.  I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid.  My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another.  There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole.  Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that?  My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box.  So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon.  All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that.  I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness.  I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion.  Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now.  There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix.  There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.

I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized.  I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.

Chapter 21 "Soldiering on, for dummies" 07/09/2012

When all else fails, I know I can blame deployment, for all of my problems, misgivings, shortcomings, and failures. I can point a finger to the big elephant in the room and be exonerated to some degree, but I don't. I don't do this for myself and I don't do this for my kids. At the end of the day, the only reason any of us will need a crutch is if we somehow broke a leg. I mention this because recently we have been struggling. We are all at the end of our ropes in respects for patience. It has been tempting to explain away our behaviors with "we just can't help it, we are tired of waiting" until the husband/Daddy comes home. There have been numerous occasions in which I have thought that continually taking the high road simply allows others to behave poorly, but at the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. Take tonight for instance, someone posted something on Facebook suggesting that it really isn't that tough to run a home and be a parent if you don't also have a job, okay, fine, I get that to some degree, BUT don't spout that off when you have a husband, or wife, who comes home to help out every day or night, or if you have family that is helping you make your "ends" by helping with your children. Typically this type of thing doesn't get to me, I give said person, whomever it may be, their moment to complain, I mean we are all entitled to air our grievances and we should all try to support one another, but tonight this just got under my skin. It has taken every ounce of willpower to not respond with, "try doing it all 24/7 with minimal help, then check back, m'kay?" I know it is simply that I am at the end of the proverbial rope and soon such things won't bother me, but in the meantime, we soldier on!

Chapter 20 "All I need is just a little patience" 7/3/2012

Today was day two of swim lessons for Cooper.  I thought things would go great since yesterday was such a success, WRONG!  Flash back to the survey I mentioned a couple days ago...one of the sets of questions focused on how kids with deployed parents do with new activities or being away from the primary caregiver/parent.  Cooper scored the lowest in this category.  

Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson.  This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids.  That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions.  He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard.  I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot.  After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I.  After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off.  UNCOOL.  So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene.  In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.


This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation.  I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior.  I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior.  I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently.  For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip.  He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.


I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".

Chapter 19 "Wishing time away" 07/02/2012

My favorite season is summer, it occurred to me recently that I have been spending this summer wishing it away.  It is not unusual to spend more time wishing away time, then to actually enjoy the time I have.  It doesn't stop at deployments either, there are countless training sessions, drill weekends, AT, the list goes on and on, in these times of being apart I typically experience a lot of guilt.  The guilt comes in many forms, it may be the result of having fun without my husband, being here for the once in a lifetime moments he is missing, or for silly resentment I sometimes feel because holding down the fort gets overwhelming and exhausting.  The result is pretty much the same, I wish time away.

While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days.  Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan.  Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week.  We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's!  Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer!  Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.

Chapter 18 "Learning a little from our kids" 07/01/2012

Recently, one of the many military support pages I am a part of, posted a link for a survey for parents of children who have a deployed family member.  I decided I may have some useful things to contribute since Cooper is within the age parameters they were looking for, and upon completion, I get paid fifty dollars.  WINNING right?  So, I spent about forty five minutes to an hour answering questions.


I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general.  What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient.  There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined.  Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment.  I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with.  While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.


As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment.  The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children.  I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped.  Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.  

Chapter 17 "Reset" for Dummies

Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 3?  In it there is a scene in which a very “evolved” Buzz Lightyear is captured by Lot’s o and reset to factory settings.  Well, I feel much like I have been “reset” to my ‘just deployed’ state.  

 I have pretty much accomplished nine months of separation, nine months that many cannot fathom, nine months that include birthday’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, a milestone anniversary, and many nondescript days in-between.  Nine months that encompassed three seasons, one of which is NOT my favorite by any stretch of the imagination.  Yet, leading up to those nine months was a certain stress that is unexplainable, and immediately after, is devastating to the psyche, to the point that there is a strange euphoria, because you know that the worst is finally behind you, i.e. that goodbye, and then the strange realization that the worst may very well be ahead of you. 

There is a stage I refer to as “the rut”.  I could go for days without leaving the house, I stay in my pajamas, everything and everyone gets on the only nerve I think I have left and my level of anxiety is at an all time high.  I lose patience quickly, I feel anxious and empty. 

It was amazing to have a brief visit with my husband.  Such a strange sentence really.  Who visits with their spouse?  People in jail?  I don’t know, all I know is that R&R is just that, it is simply a visit.  They are no more at home than we are soldiers in the desert. 

Nearly a week has passed and in that week I have gone through a time elapsed version of what I went through nine months ago.  I think I am finally coming out of the rut, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel.

Strangely, it is no comfort to know that we are more than three quarters of the way done.  It is no comfort to know that I am “keeping busy” which sounds completely different depending on who suggests it, i.e. military vs. civilian.  So, we keep on keeping on and we hurry up and wait, and before you know it we shall be reunited once more.