Chapter 18 "Learning a little from our kids" 07/01/2012

Recently, one of the many military support pages I am a part of, posted a link for a survey for parents of children who have a deployed family member.  I decided I may have some useful things to contribute since Cooper is within the age parameters they were looking for, and upon completion, I get paid fifty dollars.  WINNING right?  So, I spent about forty five minutes to an hour answering questions.


I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general.  What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient.  There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined.  Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment.  I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with.  While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.


As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment.  The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children.  I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped.  Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.  

Chapter 17 "Reset" for Dummies

Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 3?  In it there is a scene in which a very “evolved” Buzz Lightyear is captured by Lot’s o and reset to factory settings.  Well, I feel much like I have been “reset” to my ‘just deployed’ state.  

 I have pretty much accomplished nine months of separation, nine months that many cannot fathom, nine months that include birthday’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, a milestone anniversary, and many nondescript days in-between.  Nine months that encompassed three seasons, one of which is NOT my favorite by any stretch of the imagination.  Yet, leading up to those nine months was a certain stress that is unexplainable, and immediately after, is devastating to the psyche, to the point that there is a strange euphoria, because you know that the worst is finally behind you, i.e. that goodbye, and then the strange realization that the worst may very well be ahead of you. 

There is a stage I refer to as “the rut”.  I could go for days without leaving the house, I stay in my pajamas, everything and everyone gets on the only nerve I think I have left and my level of anxiety is at an all time high.  I lose patience quickly, I feel anxious and empty. 

It was amazing to have a brief visit with my husband.  Such a strange sentence really.  Who visits with their spouse?  People in jail?  I don’t know, all I know is that R&R is just that, it is simply a visit.  They are no more at home than we are soldiers in the desert. 

Nearly a week has passed and in that week I have gone through a time elapsed version of what I went through nine months ago.  I think I am finally coming out of the rut, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel.

Strangely, it is no comfort to know that we are more than three quarters of the way done.  It is no comfort to know that I am “keeping busy” which sounds completely different depending on who suggests it, i.e. military vs. civilian.  So, we keep on keeping on and we hurry up and wait, and before you know it we shall be reunited once more.

Chapter 16 "Rebuilding the fortress" for Dummies

With R&R safely tucked behind us it is time to get back into old routines.  Easier said than done, I have had a reminder of what life used to be like, once upon a time.

I got a little spoiled over my two week interruption.  Again, no disrespect to the time spent with my husband, but I am sure he will understand what I mean.

It is the small things that I will miss, like not having to buckle the little guy in his car seat every time we go somewhere, or disrupting his schedule because I have to pick up my daughter from work past his bedtime.

Typically I enjoy night time but now I am reminded that I am alone.  It is time to start looking for that silver lining I am so fond of,  for example, I am now 100% in charge of the house temperature!  It is almost a game to change the thermostat to see how long it is before he realizes it and guess whether or not he will call me out or simply change it back the ONE degree I moved it.  Looking back, I don't even know if that one degree was anything more than asserting my control or if I really needed an additional degree of warmth.

Chapter 15 "R&R" for Dummies

I have done R&R (Rest and Relaxation) twice now, and I stand by my initial impression that R&R is a poorly executed idea. Basically, you are given two weeks in which you get out of the comfort zone/fortress that you carefully built the last few (or more) months.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that I had the opportunity to spend some time with my husband, some people aren't as fortunate for one reason or another, but mentally it hits you like a Mack truck.

R&R is simply too short.  Week one is a week of decompressing, readjusting and reacquainting, then there are the factors against you, time change, jet lag, reintroduction of home cooked meals and in some cases alcohol.  Week two things finally start to feel like they used to and by that time, it is time to start mentally preparing/distancing, packing up and heading back again.  When your SO leaves, instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment or a renewed feeling of "I can do it" you are thrust into the reality of "here we go again". 

Soldiers returning home get "briefed" on what to expect and what not to expect when they come home, after all, in many cases a lot of time has passed and we all know how much can change in a short period of time.  I doubt my husband has ever left and not returned to newly painted walls and some renovation that I either did myself or contracted out.  There are the less obvious things that change, little nuances that you might not notice on a daily basis and you worry about them or their existence.  On the flip side, we are not prepared on what to expect or not expect, maybe it is different if you are a full time "Army Wife", and perhaps National Guard spouses don't get the full Monty when it comes to preparation.  I joined a support group when Brian deployed the first time (being just a girlfriend at the time) and over the years I have given advice to countless women about R&R or deployments and what to expect or not expect and I fully believed (and still do) in all I said, but taking my own advice is a horse of a different color.

I think I will suggest to my husband that we each complete an "after action report" as they say in the Army.  He has always said that there is always room for improvement. I guess that since another deployment or long separation for training is inevitable in our lifestyle being prepared for the worse isn't the worst idea.

Chapter 14 "Roller Coaster of Emotions for Dummies" 05/18/2012

Anyone that has endured a deployment knows that you have a nonstop ticket on the emotional roller coaster.  One day you are on top of the world, perhaps you received a 2 minute phone call, an email, a text, or letter, or maybe you just feel confident in your relationship.  Twenty four hours later could be the bottom of the barrel; you made the mistake of watching the news, talked to the wrong person, got in a fight with a friend or family member, had a bad day at work, or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to the extreme elation or depression but as the saying goes, "one day at a time" or "this too shall pass".

I am over eight months into this deployment.  I have had many days of elation and many days of sheer depression.   For the most part, throughout my years I have learned to cope with the hand that life deals.  I don't think beyond the outer surface because to do so would open myself up to things that are unpleasant so it seems easier to disassociate myself and live outside myself until it is safe to "come back".   

I find myself in the predicament of having to "come back" as R&R is quickly approaching, much quicker than I anticipated and it is a good thing, but with it comes the typical fears; will we feel the same, will he still love/like me, will he still be attracted to me, has he changed, have I changed, will he like what I have done to the house, have I kept up my end of the bargain, do I have time to shave?  Haha, I had to throw a funny in there.


So, once again there is yet another weird part in the roller coaster, I wouldn't say we are climbing nor are we in a dip, maybe we are in the sideways twirly part.  Either way, I am starting to get very anxious and excited!
 

Chapter Thirteen "Deployment For Dummies, The Ladies Have Spoken" 05/16/2012

A couple of months ago I came across a blog that indicated what military wives/girlfriends/fiancés wish civilians knew.  I related so much to that entry I reached out to my own military friends to ask them what they thought of the blog and the things that they wished civilians knew.  The responses were very interesting, and what it boils down to is, we are a strong group of women.

I asked what the biggest obstacle was while their SO (significant other) was away, most of the responses I received had to do with becoming independent, lack of communication, or availability of communication, I cannot tell you how many people think that Skype is a widely available and reliable tool, also saying goodbye and conveying your feelings without making your SO feeling guilty made the cut.  There is the obvious choice too, which according to Jill is, “When I cried, I cried alone. When I smiled, I smiled alone.”  My personal obstacle is probably when I have to coordinate between the two kids and have to be in two places at once or sacrifice my “me” time by allowing the little one to stay up late since we have to pick up my daughter from work well past his bedtime.  

What do we wish civilians knew?  I wish they wouldn’t expect me to be the one to reach out.  I don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader but sometimes I just wish someone would TAKE the reins from me.  I think Niki also had a good take on it, “Just because I put on a happy face and stop complaining and crying every minute doesn't mean that it's easy. Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I want to cry about it. Some days are easy and some days are freaking impossible. Some days the time flies by and some days I feel like he's never coming home. Don't get mad if I shut you out, and don't get mad if I need you constantly. Whether we dated for 2 days or 2 years before he left, I still promised to wait for him. Your judgments on how easy/hard it is are not needed or wanted.” 

There are some things and questions we really don’t want to hear.  I am a big fan of “it’s only a year”; it knocks me over every time I hear it.  Therese summed up a few of the ridiculous questions/statements we get, “How many people did he kill? Do you miss him? Wow, my boyfriend would NEVER leave me like that. If my husband left, I would die, I love him so much I couldn't survive without him, I wonder how you do that. It's no big deal, he'll be back before you know it, this year will fly by so quickly. Yeah, well you probably get to talk to him everyday, right--I mean, with the internet nowadays... I know EXACTLY how you feel---my boyfriend's been out of town for two days and he didn't answer his phone this morning!” Okay so maybe you think we are being oversensitive and perhaps we are, however we are never in a "who has it worse" war with our civilian friends, we DO take into consideration that most people just don’t know what to say and like Jenny said, “In hind sight, I think they are just trying to be helpful and understanding, but sometimes it is frustrating.” 

If we had a wish list of things we hoped that someone would do randomly for us, Kim hit the nail on the head, “Take me out to dinner or for a pedicure or something like that. I would not even expect them to pay...just take the initiative.”  Or like Chealsea said, “Call to check on ME” I think this all leads to the mindset that we sometimes feel forgotten, lost in the shuffle or  replaced with more convenient or less complicated friends/relatives.  We may suddenly become the "third" wheel or we may not have a babysitter and as "free" to do things, but we still could use the friendship.  On that note, we may turn you down, multiple times, for one reason or another, don't take it personally and don't stop asking.

Obviously, I have an issue asking for help, which for me is a great obstacle and perhaps the hardest of all, and I am not alone.  Nearly all the ladies that participated said that asking for help was a difficult thing to overcome or was perceived as weak or what they perceived as weak.  Not only do we take extreme pride in supporting our loved ones in the military, but we also take great pride in our independent natures.  A response from Jenny was quoted by several women, “In some ways, I like deployments (strange as it sounds) because it shows me that I am not dependent on my husband. Most of my friends who are not in the military life will never get to experience this type of independence in a marriage. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's bad... but this is my life and I wouldn't change a thing about it.”  Don’t confuse that with any of us thinking that we are any better than a civilian couple, the comparison is apples and oranges, but when life hands your lemons, you make lemonade!

Chapter Twelve "Deployment for Dummies Anniversaries across the Ocean" 4/9/2012

Technically it is tomorrow, April 9th, our anniversary, at least in the desert.  How does a couple celebrate an anniversary separated by an ocean?  You celebrate the best you can.

Last week I received a wooden photo frame with a quote engraved in it from my husband.  Some women might be offended by a small token; it isn't elaborate, it isn't jewelry or flowers...it isn't showy or expensive, but for me, I know he took the time to look up the "traditional" gift for a 5 year anniversary (wood) and a special quote that he felt in his heart.  Any man can buy flowers or jewelry but do they really come from the heart?  Did he really have to do any research or put any thought into it?  Perhaps, but I am not only content but satisfied and excited for my gift because I look forward to filling it with a special photo that will carry the gift on long after the flowers have died.

Alas, I on the other hand, have failed at the romantic anniversary gift.  What do you send to someone camping out in the desert to celebrate your love?  Five years is a milestone after all, yet the only thing I will be sending him is a link to a song that makes me think of the past five years and how he has changed them.  I will send a care package of some goodies but overall, there will be no official "gift".  It makes me sad to think that I didn't go all out but I am hopeful I can make up for it next year.  Oh next year has some major making up to do!