Chapter 21 "Soldiering on, for dummies" 07/09/2012

When all else fails, I know I can blame deployment, for all of my problems, misgivings, shortcomings, and failures. I can point a finger to the big elephant in the room and be exonerated to some degree, but I don't. I don't do this for myself and I don't do this for my kids. At the end of the day, the only reason any of us will need a crutch is if we somehow broke a leg. I mention this because recently we have been struggling. We are all at the end of our ropes in respects for patience. It has been tempting to explain away our behaviors with "we just can't help it, we are tired of waiting" until the husband/Daddy comes home. There have been numerous occasions in which I have thought that continually taking the high road simply allows others to behave poorly, but at the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. Take tonight for instance, someone posted something on Facebook suggesting that it really isn't that tough to run a home and be a parent if you don't also have a job, okay, fine, I get that to some degree, BUT don't spout that off when you have a husband, or wife, who comes home to help out every day or night, or if you have family that is helping you make your "ends" by helping with your children. Typically this type of thing doesn't get to me, I give said person, whomever it may be, their moment to complain, I mean we are all entitled to air our grievances and we should all try to support one another, but tonight this just got under my skin. It has taken every ounce of willpower to not respond with, "try doing it all 24/7 with minimal help, then check back, m'kay?" I know it is simply that I am at the end of the proverbial rope and soon such things won't bother me, but in the meantime, we soldier on!

Chapter 20 "All I need is just a little patience" 7/3/2012

Today was day two of swim lessons for Cooper.  I thought things would go great since yesterday was such a success, WRONG!  Flash back to the survey I mentioned a couple days ago...one of the sets of questions focused on how kids with deployed parents do with new activities or being away from the primary caregiver/parent.  Cooper scored the lowest in this category.  

Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson.  This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids.  That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions.  He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard.  I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot.  After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I.  After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off.  UNCOOL.  So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene.  In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.


This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation.  I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior.  I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior.  I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently.  For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip.  He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.


I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".

Chapter 19 "Wishing time away" 07/02/2012

My favorite season is summer, it occurred to me recently that I have been spending this summer wishing it away.  It is not unusual to spend more time wishing away time, then to actually enjoy the time I have.  It doesn't stop at deployments either, there are countless training sessions, drill weekends, AT, the list goes on and on, in these times of being apart I typically experience a lot of guilt.  The guilt comes in many forms, it may be the result of having fun without my husband, being here for the once in a lifetime moments he is missing, or for silly resentment I sometimes feel because holding down the fort gets overwhelming and exhausting.  The result is pretty much the same, I wish time away.

While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days.  Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan.  Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week.  We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's!  Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer!  Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.

Chapter 18 "Learning a little from our kids" 07/01/2012

Recently, one of the many military support pages I am a part of, posted a link for a survey for parents of children who have a deployed family member.  I decided I may have some useful things to contribute since Cooper is within the age parameters they were looking for, and upon completion, I get paid fifty dollars.  WINNING right?  So, I spent about forty five minutes to an hour answering questions.


I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general.  What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient.  There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined.  Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment.  I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with.  While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.


As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment.  The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children.  I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped.  Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.  

Chapter 17 "Reset" for Dummies

Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 3?  In it there is a scene in which a very “evolved” Buzz Lightyear is captured by Lot’s o and reset to factory settings.  Well, I feel much like I have been “reset” to my ‘just deployed’ state.  

 I have pretty much accomplished nine months of separation, nine months that many cannot fathom, nine months that include birthday’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, a milestone anniversary, and many nondescript days in-between.  Nine months that encompassed three seasons, one of which is NOT my favorite by any stretch of the imagination.  Yet, leading up to those nine months was a certain stress that is unexplainable, and immediately after, is devastating to the psyche, to the point that there is a strange euphoria, because you know that the worst is finally behind you, i.e. that goodbye, and then the strange realization that the worst may very well be ahead of you. 

There is a stage I refer to as “the rut”.  I could go for days without leaving the house, I stay in my pajamas, everything and everyone gets on the only nerve I think I have left and my level of anxiety is at an all time high.  I lose patience quickly, I feel anxious and empty. 

It was amazing to have a brief visit with my husband.  Such a strange sentence really.  Who visits with their spouse?  People in jail?  I don’t know, all I know is that R&R is just that, it is simply a visit.  They are no more at home than we are soldiers in the desert. 

Nearly a week has passed and in that week I have gone through a time elapsed version of what I went through nine months ago.  I think I am finally coming out of the rut, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel.

Strangely, it is no comfort to know that we are more than three quarters of the way done.  It is no comfort to know that I am “keeping busy” which sounds completely different depending on who suggests it, i.e. military vs. civilian.  So, we keep on keeping on and we hurry up and wait, and before you know it we shall be reunited once more.

Chapter 16 "Rebuilding the fortress" for Dummies

With R&R safely tucked behind us it is time to get back into old routines.  Easier said than done, I have had a reminder of what life used to be like, once upon a time.

I got a little spoiled over my two week interruption.  Again, no disrespect to the time spent with my husband, but I am sure he will understand what I mean.

It is the small things that I will miss, like not having to buckle the little guy in his car seat every time we go somewhere, or disrupting his schedule because I have to pick up my daughter from work past his bedtime.

Typically I enjoy night time but now I am reminded that I am alone.  It is time to start looking for that silver lining I am so fond of,  for example, I am now 100% in charge of the house temperature!  It is almost a game to change the thermostat to see how long it is before he realizes it and guess whether or not he will call me out or simply change it back the ONE degree I moved it.  Looking back, I don't even know if that one degree was anything more than asserting my control or if I really needed an additional degree of warmth.

Chapter 15 "R&R" for Dummies

I have done R&R (Rest and Relaxation) twice now, and I stand by my initial impression that R&R is a poorly executed idea. Basically, you are given two weeks in which you get out of the comfort zone/fortress that you carefully built the last few (or more) months.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that I had the opportunity to spend some time with my husband, some people aren't as fortunate for one reason or another, but mentally it hits you like a Mack truck.

R&R is simply too short.  Week one is a week of decompressing, readjusting and reacquainting, then there are the factors against you, time change, jet lag, reintroduction of home cooked meals and in some cases alcohol.  Week two things finally start to feel like they used to and by that time, it is time to start mentally preparing/distancing, packing up and heading back again.  When your SO leaves, instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment or a renewed feeling of "I can do it" you are thrust into the reality of "here we go again". 

Soldiers returning home get "briefed" on what to expect and what not to expect when they come home, after all, in many cases a lot of time has passed and we all know how much can change in a short period of time.  I doubt my husband has ever left and not returned to newly painted walls and some renovation that I either did myself or contracted out.  There are the less obvious things that change, little nuances that you might not notice on a daily basis and you worry about them or their existence.  On the flip side, we are not prepared on what to expect or not expect, maybe it is different if you are a full time "Army Wife", and perhaps National Guard spouses don't get the full Monty when it comes to preparation.  I joined a support group when Brian deployed the first time (being just a girlfriend at the time) and over the years I have given advice to countless women about R&R or deployments and what to expect or not expect and I fully believed (and still do) in all I said, but taking my own advice is a horse of a different color.

I think I will suggest to my husband that we each complete an "after action report" as they say in the Army.  He has always said that there is always room for improvement. I guess that since another deployment or long separation for training is inevitable in our lifestyle being prepared for the worse isn't the worst idea.