Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
I think it is only appropriate to celebrate Thanksgiving in August, I may even prepare the fancy meal for I have so much to be thankful for. There are a few people/organizations that have greatly contributed to my family coming out on the other side, sane and intact.
Our Military Kids gave Cooper a grant to attend martial arts for six months, free of charge. I asked around and was given high recommendations for a local place, Phoenix Martial Arts, aka Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do. I cannot express what a Godsend this grant was. Twice a week I was able to have a thirty minute break that I didn't need to feel guilty for. Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do went above and beyond for our family, in the times when Cooper was having difficulty, they made sure to give him the confidence in which he then used to excel. I strongly urge anyone that is considering getting their child involved in something, look into martial arts, observe a class, ask around and find the right fit for your child, and if you are local to my area, you will not do better for your child than Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do.
I am thankful for my/our family that helped out or offered support. In particular, my sister and her family gave up a lot of time to spend several weekends/weeks with us. It is a bit of a haul to get from her house to mine, along with packing her daughter up and enduring the drive. We are forever grateful for her/their sacrifice. Never did she complain about the distance, nor make me feel bad for coming up. They helped pass the time and provided us with great entertainment, and gave me a reason to cook. When I think of family, she epitomizes it. I know, without a doubt, she would drop everything if I asked her. I know she wouldn't make me feel guilty or like an imposition for it.
I have a couple of close "real life" friends that offered on many occasions to entertain us. I knew that if I was in a bind, they could be called upon and if they could, they would, no questions asked. Countless meals were accompanied by play dates, usually a glass (or more) of wine. They were never patronizing or judgmental about how I was or was not handling my life. These friends have job(s) and families of their own, yet always found time to incorporate us into their lives. They know who they are and I hope I can repay their friendship!
I have innumerable online friends and supporters. Years ago, one of these friends had a picture online that stated "all my friends live in my computer", and that has stuck with me for all that time. Though some people cannot be there to give you an actual hug or share in a glass of wine, they are without a doubt there; you know that they think of you because you think of them. You share their joys, their sorrows, you anticipate the birth of their children, you watch them grow, you become so invested in their lives that you might very well be closer to them than those who are right next to you. They understand things that no one else could come close to understanding. No one on the outside could ever understand the bond we share.
There are many other people who have contributed in some way or another, sometimes it was simply a cashier that noticed my military ID, or someone that inquired about my "Son in Service" magnet on the car and thanked our family for our service/sacrifice and asked that I also pass along their gratitude to Brian. It is hard to be in this position, to be forced to ask for help or to accept it when you prefer to do things on your own, so I was especially grateful for anyone that has taken that burden from me and just extended a kindness. I hope that someday I am able to pay it forward.
Come to think of it, I think I will have Thanksgiving in August, turkey with all the trimmings, I will invite family and friends and we will rejoice in the year that is soon behind us. Perhaps I will find a way to involve those who cannot be here with us to celebrate, a Skype Thanksgiving, after all, we are used to that!
*If I did not mention you specifically, please do not allow your feelings to be hurt, my intention was to point out that there were many people that contributed to our success, I did not name anyone outright as to not cause drama. Chances are if you are in our lives, you somehow helped us through and your efforts will be remembered.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Chapter 26 "Like a thief in the night" 07/30/2012
I have often thought it would be cool if I didn't need to sleep. I could get so much done, it would almost be a super power. I am not a good "sleeper", never really have been, which probably explains why my kids, when little, were not good sleepers, but that frustration is another post.
I have suffered with bouts of insomnia for all my life. For a while I was sleeping so well, I attribute it to cutting out caffeine and wine thanks to my irritable stomach. Last week, insomnia found me again. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel tired at all, but I feel like I should be sleeping since my body needs it, and my kids need me to be alert, less cranky, and more patient.
One of my fondest memories, I kid you not, was an awesome nights sleep I had about six years ago. Sad right? Brian was deployed at the time and I went to my uncle's for dinner and to spend the night. I remember sitting down for dinner and being tired and going to bed around 8:30 sleeping through the night and waking up around 6:00 am feeling fully rested and energized. I do not remember feeling that good in the morning, rest wise ever since, of course, I have had Cooper since then and even on the rare occasion that he sleeps soundly through the night, I am still aware that he "might" wake up and if he doesn't, I constantly worry something may be wrong. Oh the life of the mother!
I have suffered with bouts of insomnia for all my life. For a while I was sleeping so well, I attribute it to cutting out caffeine and wine thanks to my irritable stomach. Last week, insomnia found me again. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel tired at all, but I feel like I should be sleeping since my body needs it, and my kids need me to be alert, less cranky, and more patient.
One of my fondest memories, I kid you not, was an awesome nights sleep I had about six years ago. Sad right? Brian was deployed at the time and I went to my uncle's for dinner and to spend the night. I remember sitting down for dinner and being tired and going to bed around 8:30 sleeping through the night and waking up around 6:00 am feeling fully rested and energized. I do not remember feeling that good in the morning, rest wise ever since, of course, I have had Cooper since then and even on the rare occasion that he sleeps soundly through the night, I am still aware that he "might" wake up and if he doesn't, I constantly worry something may be wrong. Oh the life of the mother!
Chapter 27 "Tying up loose ends" 08/07/2012
I admit, I have been beyond fortunate in the two deployments I have endured. Very rarely have I gone a day without some type of email, instant message, Skype date, or phone call, and if I did, I knew in advance.
We are coming up on the end of this year apart and for reasons I will not disclose, just to err on the side of safety, I did not hear from Brian for a couple of days. Right here and now I have to give major credit to the women who go for days, weeks, or months without hearing from their SO's. It is a difficult enough job to hold down the fort, but to not hear from them is pure torture. I found myself getting cranky and more impatient than normal. I knew he was fine, but like I said, I have been spoiled.
On a side note, at the end of a deployment there seem to be a lot of loose ends to tie up. Currently I am trying to close out my MyCAA benefits, which allowed me to use this time to further my education/skills. Of course, since I have not logged on for quite some time and the password they want you to use has to be over 16 characters long, include 2 upper case, 2 lower case, 2 numbers, and 2 special characters, I forgot, imagine that! So, then I had to get a special email to my AKO Webmail account which wasn't working properly, and once I finally got that working I had to change my password, make a phone call, resubmit some paperwork...it is not even 12:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted! But, the good news is I thought I was going to have to pay close to $200 to make up the difference of the final bill but since things had gone the way they had, I was able to resubmit for the additional funds.
There are a lot of opportunities for those of us stateside during a deployment. I strongly urge anyone going through a deployment or preparing to, to take full advantage of the possibilities to further your own career or knowledge.
We are coming up on the end of this year apart and for reasons I will not disclose, just to err on the side of safety, I did not hear from Brian for a couple of days. Right here and now I have to give major credit to the women who go for days, weeks, or months without hearing from their SO's. It is a difficult enough job to hold down the fort, but to not hear from them is pure torture. I found myself getting cranky and more impatient than normal. I knew he was fine, but like I said, I have been spoiled.
On a side note, at the end of a deployment there seem to be a lot of loose ends to tie up. Currently I am trying to close out my MyCAA benefits, which allowed me to use this time to further my education/skills. Of course, since I have not logged on for quite some time and the password they want you to use has to be over 16 characters long, include 2 upper case, 2 lower case, 2 numbers, and 2 special characters, I forgot, imagine that! So, then I had to get a special email to my AKO Webmail account which wasn't working properly, and once I finally got that working I had to change my password, make a phone call, resubmit some paperwork...it is not even 12:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted! But, the good news is I thought I was going to have to pay close to $200 to make up the difference of the final bill but since things had gone the way they had, I was able to resubmit for the additional funds.
There are a lot of opportunities for those of us stateside during a deployment. I strongly urge anyone going through a deployment or preparing to, to take full advantage of the possibilities to further your own career or knowledge.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Chapter 25 "The caveat, you get used to being alone" 07/29/2012
We spend days, weeks, and months alone, wishing for our loved ones to come home, only to approach homecoming and suddenly get cold feet. As with most things deployment, it sounds ridiculous and confusing, like fighting when you should be savoring precious moments, or smiling through tears.
R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation. A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt. This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things. We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.
Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home. Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around. I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation. I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back.
I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well. Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too. They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order. Oh my.
A lot can happen and change in a year. Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.
R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation. A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt. This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things. We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.
Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home. Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around. I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation. I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back.
I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well. Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too. They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order. Oh my.
A lot can happen and change in a year. Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Chapter 24 "Time is an enigma" 07/24/2012
Time is an enigma when you are married to the military.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Chapter 23 "And Another Day Bites The Dust" 07/21/2012
For the past two deployments I have sent Brian an email just about every day, sometimes two if I have something extra to add that I may have forgotten, but rarely have I missed a day.
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Chapter 22 "And she puts it all in little boxes" 07/10/2012
For some reason I do my best thinking in bed before I fall asleep. I often wish I had some way to think my thoughts onto paper, because if I bothered taking the time to write things down they would be fleeting. Last night I had an epiphany. Honest to God I bet a light bulb actually went off over my head. I don't recall what or why I thought of it, but I realized that my life is spent separating every thing and every one and every emotion. I think it is how I manage deployment.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
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