I remember years ago there was a show on MTV called "The Osbournes". It was a reality show that followed Ozzy Osbourne and his family. Watching a show full of people that as individuals are crazier than a snowman in the desert yet as a whole were very loving people...I know, it was a "reality" show and it is edited and possibly a complete and total facade but regardless, watching it looked as if they really were a loving, yet crazy family. I remember being very touched by Kelly sitting on Ozzy's lap, even at 15 or 16. No matter how either of the kids screwed up they all moved on.
Fast forward to today. I am currently drowing my life in a show from the 90's, Ally McBeal. I am in awe of this show. One, I love anything David E. Kelley has ever been involved in, but more importantly, this show touches on a lot of things in my own life. The other night one of the characters said something that was insanely profound to me. Georgia asked Ally "what makes your problems bigger than anyone elses"? Ally stated "because they are mine". It is afterall just a television show but I have come to know a few things about myself, one is that I never allow myself to "own" my feelings, hell, for the most part, I don't even allow myself to FEEL things, it is easier that way. When someone does something to wrong me I am very aware of my inability to fight effectively, therefore, it is better just to push a wrong aside and move forward because God knows, I WILL NOT PREVAIL. Not that "winning" an argument is necessary, but I want to go into something and say, "you have made me feel _________" and come out feeling as if I was justified in what I said. Somehow I go in ready to air my grievances and come out feeling like I was wrong. I know or I hope people don't take advantage of that but somehow this manipulation happens, every single time. So, as you can see, I can play things over in my head a hundred times, but put me face to face in a confrontation and I don't know what happens to me. Every once in a great while I lose the "filter" that I have permanantly on my mouth. I live by the addage that once you say something, you cannot take it back. I am always so afraid to say something that I cannot withdrawl. I am always so proud of myself when I lose the filter, it is like a Christmas present. Those moments are few and far between. I think it says a lot about me as a person too and that is that I obviously do not trust people enough to say what is on my mind for fear that one small slip of the tongue could be a house of cards. Ally is so free, she dances (something I cannot and do not do for fear of being laughed at and this again is something that I find to be a profound problem with my personality) she says what she thinks and somehow she still manages to have friends and it really makes me think. About what, I really cannot say. I know it is just a show with a made up person, but I know that there are people out there that can just say what they think and they are not hermits that have to have their groceries delivered.
So we are into week 5 of deployment. Emotionally, I can honestly say, I have been all over the board. Before he left, I just needed him to leave already so life as it was going to be for a long time could start, once he left, I needed to keep as busy as humanly possible so that I, nor Cooper thought about Brian being away. With him still being "in country" and we can talk and text, it is still as if he is just at work or on a trip or training so it is still not "real" yet. I feel like we are both distancing ourselves, we talk a little less every day, text a little less and are even a little testy from time to time over dumb things like the way I rearranged the living room, which by the time he returns will most likely be moved back to the way it was before he left. I am grateful that we didn't and haven't had the expected "huge" fight/argument/disagreement that typically happens for people in our position. It is weird to continue to have life go on. I just hope he is okay. I know that sounds strange, but I know I am okay, I miss him but I don't know what he is feeling and it is better to not say anything at least for now.
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