Chapter 10 "Deployment Management for Dummies" 3/26/2012

Last night I was asked how my husband was doing, I replied with “he is fine, we are managing”.  I never know how to answer that question.  Usually I say he is bored and ready to come home, that we are ready for him to come home, and while that is a fair (oh how I hate that word, just as much as I despise the word hate) assessment, it just doesn’t seem like the right answer.

We are managing and the husband is fine, but how do you answer the polite questions, especially when you really want to say: “I want to take a permanent vacation, I wish the kids had a turn off button, I am lonely, and I am tired…” and those are just the nice little answers; those aren’t the dark deep thoughts.  Okay, don’t get your panties in a bunch, I am not suicidal, I am not anywhere near wanting to harm my kids, I am not at the end of my rope, nothing drastic at all, but I am tired.

Our son goes to a class a couple times a week; it is thirty minutes of me not being “in charge”.  I see him off and I go to a quiet corner and I answer emails, texts, messages and anything else that has been pushed aside.  I fear, yet I don’t, that I am that “snobby mom” that is too good to make small talk with the other parents.  I almost want to wear a sign that says “I am not snobby, this is my 30 minutes of peace, please don’t judge me for it”.  For now, I will take my chances that once life gets back to normal they might understand that I really am not the person they might currently perceive me to be.

In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions on how to answer the polite questions, I am currently accepting any and all responses!

Chapter 9 "Deployment 'Housekeeping' For Dummies" 3/35/2012

Military women have this amazing ability to make lemonade out of lemons, to find the silver lining if you will.

Today, I was joking with a fellow wife who will soon be welcoming her husband home.  That in itself is an amazingly wonderful thing, but we find the silver lining while they are gone and one of the very best ones is one that I am sure would make Schick and Bic quiver.  When your husband is away you don’t think twice about ‘housekeeping’, err, shaving.  I cannot tell you how many of my friends have been shaved, plucked, and waxed just days before their significant other returns.

Personally, I partake in all the “silver linings” that are available to me:  sole control of the thermostat and remote, eating cereal for dinner, staying up late and lingering in bed in the morning, letting the laundry pile up, and of course, not shaving for days on end!

Chapter 8 "Deployment Donuts for Dummies" 3/24/2012

I may have stated a time or two that time is the enemy in deployment.  No gun or weapon of mass destruction is as dangerous as time.  I mean no disrespect to anyone (or their family/friends/community for that matter) that has been injured or lost a limb or given the ultimate sacrifice of their life--but in general, time is a ticking bomb. 

Some people count down or mark off the days; they create paper chains with their kids or somehow creatively account for time gone by or time to go.  I have a handy little app on my phone called the "donut of misery" in which anyone can count up or down to something.  Sometimes  it is exciting to check it out and see how far you have come and other times you look and wish you never did, as it is kind enough to not only count months, but weeks, days, hours, minutes...seconds.

I tend to be a 'glass half full' girl but that darn donut makes me a 'glass half empty' girl from time to time.  I opened it recently, and mine counts time gone by (since we don't have a return date) and time until R&R, which in the civilian world means VACATION for my husband.  I find it funny they refer to it as "rest and relaxation".  You essentially get 14 days 2-4 are spent traveling back in time and at least that much is spent dealing with jet lag and readjusting to being back in the States, not to mention the 14 days spent dreading the "see you later".

Today I had some time away from the kids to do some grocery shopping.  During the ride I allowed myself to think about the impending R&R time we will get.  I am often asked about it, "do I look forward to it?" "how will our son handle it?" "am I excited?".  I have done R&R once before and it was exciting, I couldn't wait, I fretted over outfits and plans, I talked about it with my girlfriends, I dreamt about it.  This time, I have not allowed myself the luxury of thinking about it until today.  I try to handle most things with avoidance, I simply don't think about it; I rarely know what day it is in a month so I don't keep track of how much time has gone by, though subconsciously I track time by Thursday's since that was the last day of the week we were together.  While it is still many weeks off, I thought about how I will handle putting our family back together again, and then, I got excited.   I allowed my mind to wander to the day I get to head to the airport.  I think I will just tell our little boy that we are going to pick up Mommy's "friend" and PRAY I arrive at the correct gate.  (Long story)  Everything else will just fall into place.

Chapter 7 "Deployment Blahs For Dummies" 3/21/2012

So much for trying to blog it out more often...

Well, we made it over the "hump" and are on the down side of this deployment.  I cannot say I feel any different.  I still look at my Donut of Misery and see that I am just barely over the half way mark.  On the upside, I am three quarters of the way to R&R, and that makes me smile.

In the past couple of weeks we managed to celebrate my birthday.  In true fashion it got completely ridiculous and not the "ridiculous" that means "out of control awesome".

My very fabulous husband attempted to plan, with the help of my very good friends, a day of shopping, sans the little child, a home cooked meal and cake and ice cream from my favorite place, Coldstone Creamery.  I was also to receive an hour with a personal trainer followed by an hour massage.  My husband knows me well.  Low key, small, intimate.  Well, let's just say, one thing led to another and it is really hard to plan from 6,500 miles away.  Our son got sick the day before my personal trainer hour and because of timing, the massage is pretty much a no go.  We figured he would play in the gym while Mommy worked out but to allow me to be in a position in which I might get too comfy and fall asleep...well that is just not possible.  I still need to reschedule the time, but lo and behold, I get sick.  When you might ask?  My BIRTHDAY!  Seriously, I wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck.  I was fortunate in that my sister and niece came up to spend the weekend with me so I at least had company.  I am finally on the mend and the good part is my friends have promised a mulligan birthday, except this time I don't have to age, I can go for that.

Speaking of my sister, she has been wonderful in coming up and spending weekends with me here and there.  It is nice to have another adult in the house, someone to cook with and for...someone to catch the things I miss...someone to talk to without picking up a phone...someone to either watch the little one while I play taxi cab driver or to actually go and play taxi cab driver.  It is funny the little things that you take advantage of when you have a co-pilot in the house.  Okay, okay, it isn't all like that all the time.  To be honest, we do a lot of eating, watching TV, playing with each others hair, (but not in that provocative way a guy would think about) sister things.  I don't worry about offending her with things I might say or do and I am pretty certain she would feel the same way.  It is just comfortable.  Anyway, she came up a few weeks ago and decided she wanted to start watching Army Wives.  I only discuss the show with other army wives (or national guard wives, hahaha) so it was interesting to see what it would be like to watch it with someone that really didn't understand the lifestyle.  I am not sure how I am more entertained, watching the show with my sister or watching the show with my sister.  It is funny to think that at one point in my life I didn't know all the Army/military stuff I know now.  There are a lot of moments on that show that I completely understand though.  One part that sticks out was where Michael told Joan that Claudia Joy said it was harder for those left behind when soldiers deploy, that soldiers are trained to go away--they are trained for the experience, those left behind have to carry on and nothing prepares you for that.  Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

The show also got us thinking about moving or in military lingo "pcs'ing".  I have been itching to move for sometime now.  I lived in the same town for over thirty years of my life and have been in my current locale for over 6 and it was nice at first but this deployment has really opened my eyes to what could be, what should be, what isn't...I almost long for someone to say "You are moving to _____ on _____." and that be that.  Now it is a choice and when you have a choice everyone has an opinion.  My absolute favorite is that we "can't go".  I am so unsure why that it makes my head spin.  I have spent the past 6 months basically alone, with the exception of my sister and a couple of quality friends, many people just dropped off the face of the earth.  The sad part is, it was people I just didn't expect.  I have experienced this before and if I do say so myself, I handle deployment quite well, I don't complain and it isn't as if I sit around and cry but there are a few people that have really shocked me with their lack of compassion or lack of existence throughout this journey.  I could go into how low my expectations are of others but that is a whole other blog post.

Chapter 6 "Deployment Hump For Dummies" 3/9/2012

It has occurred to me that it was time for a new entry, so if you are in a deployment, my title itself will be interesting; you see most enduring a deployment will see the word "hump" and not think at all "half way mark".  So for those that I have to clarify, we are officially 27 weeks into this.  Yes, I am a week late don't hate.

I could go on and on about the things I have done during these weeks.  The list sounds like I have kept myself very busy, but don't be fooled.  There is a lot of down time.  I could be the ambitious wife and dedicate my free time to bettering myself like my wonderful husband does, by taking classes and learning or working out in my free time.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't NOT done anything, I do make "attempts" at working out, but classes, that is a joke.  Few are the moments that I am not taking care of a child or dog or being interrupted by said child or dog.  Free time is spent unwinding so I don't  go postal the next day, so, while I would love to be more "productive" I have other things, and people and pets, to consider.

A friend, who shall remain nameless, mirrored my feelings today.  She was brave enough to admit that there are days when she doesn't get off the couch, that small tasks are daunting and cause anxiety and the thought of sleeping until this is over is probably at the top of our wish list.  I have felt very much like this but I just didn't have the courage to say so.  

I was talking to someone today and we were discussing people and their use of Facebook.  Some people like to use Facebook or other social media to gain negative attention.  People like myself prefer to give everyone the impression that even when it isn't, our lives are peachy keen and we have our stuff together.  I have done VERY little complaining publicly about my life or the difficulties I face.  Why?  I don't know.  Perhaps I don't want to give the impression of being weak or perhaps I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  Perhaps I am weak in that I don't reach out to others and therefore no one really feels like I need them?  There are a lot of reasons I can assure you.

What I don't share is that there are days, weeks even, when I hardly leave the house.  I don't have the energy or desire to do anything but watch TV to make the time pass quicker.  That sleep is the only time that I feel at peace.  I worry about setting a bad example to my kids, I worry that I let my husband down who is missing out on what I feel I am taking for granted.

I don't mean to be a downer, I just realized that by pretending to always have it together I am not doing others in my position any good.  We all face days or weeks when happiness comes in a pill or a wine glass.  There are days I suffer silently praying someone will save me or something will happen that will break the monotony of my days.  I pray that Spring and Summer will bring a welcome change to life and things will feel less dark and dreary.  Don't go expecting me to start a montage of complaints though, it just isn't my style, this is the only honest moment you will probably get from me.

Yes, there are people who will think that deployment is no big deal, single mothers do it every day.  Yes, they do and I bow down to them in great admiration.  But every time I compare my situation to others I am reminded once more of one of the most powerful quotes I have learned from television.  (Ally McBeal) Why are my problems so much bigger than others? Because they're mine.