It has occurred to me that it was time for a new entry, so if you are in a deployment, my title itself will be interesting; you see most enduring a deployment will see the word "hump" and not think at all "half way mark". So for those that I have to clarify, we are officially 27 weeks into this. Yes, I am a week late don't hate.
I could go on and on about the things I have done during these weeks. The list sounds like I have kept myself very busy, but don't be fooled. There is a lot of down time. I could be the ambitious wife and dedicate my free time to bettering myself like my wonderful husband does, by taking classes and learning or working out in my free time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't NOT done anything, I do make "attempts" at working out, but classes, that is a joke. Few are the moments that I am not taking care of a child or dog or being interrupted by said child or dog. Free time is spent unwinding so I don't go postal the next day, so, while I would love to be more "productive" I have other things, and people and pets, to consider.
A friend, who shall remain nameless, mirrored my feelings today. She was brave enough to admit that there are days when she doesn't get off the couch, that small tasks are daunting and cause anxiety and the thought of sleeping until this is over is probably at the top of our wish list. I have felt very much like this but I just didn't have the courage to say so.
I was talking to someone today and we were discussing people and their use of Facebook. Some people like to use Facebook or other social media to gain negative attention. People like myself prefer to give everyone the impression that even when it isn't, our lives are peachy keen and we have our stuff together. I have done VERY little complaining publicly about my life or the difficulties I face. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I don't want to give the impression of being weak or perhaps I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Perhaps I am weak in that I don't reach out to others and therefore no one really feels like I need them? There are a lot of reasons I can assure you.
What I don't share is that there are days, weeks even, when I hardly leave the house. I don't have the energy or desire to do anything but watch TV to make the time pass quicker. That sleep is the only time that I feel at peace. I worry about setting a bad example to my kids, I worry that I let my husband down who is missing out on what I feel I am taking for granted.
I don't mean to be a downer, I just realized that by pretending to always have it together I am not doing others in my position any good. We all face days or weeks when happiness comes in a pill or a wine glass. There are days I suffer silently praying someone will save me or something will happen that will break the monotony of my days. I pray that Spring and Summer will bring a welcome change to life and things will feel less dark and dreary. Don't go expecting me to start a montage of complaints though, it just isn't my style, this is the only honest moment you will probably get from me.
Yes, there are people who will think that deployment is no big deal, single mothers do it every day. Yes, they do and I bow down to them in great admiration. But every time I compare my situation to others I am reminded once more of one of the most powerful quotes I have learned from television. (Ally McBeal) Why are my problems so much bigger than others? Because they're mine.
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