Chapter Thirteen "Deployment For Dummies, The Ladies Have Spoken" 05/16/2012

A couple of months ago I came across a blog that indicated what military wives/girlfriends/fiancés wish civilians knew.  I related so much to that entry I reached out to my own military friends to ask them what they thought of the blog and the things that they wished civilians knew.  The responses were very interesting, and what it boils down to is, we are a strong group of women.

I asked what the biggest obstacle was while their SO (significant other) was away, most of the responses I received had to do with becoming independent, lack of communication, or availability of communication, I cannot tell you how many people think that Skype is a widely available and reliable tool, also saying goodbye and conveying your feelings without making your SO feeling guilty made the cut.  There is the obvious choice too, which according to Jill is, “When I cried, I cried alone. When I smiled, I smiled alone.”  My personal obstacle is probably when I have to coordinate between the two kids and have to be in two places at once or sacrifice my “me” time by allowing the little one to stay up late since we have to pick up my daughter from work well past his bedtime.  

What do we wish civilians knew?  I wish they wouldn’t expect me to be the one to reach out.  I don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader but sometimes I just wish someone would TAKE the reins from me.  I think Niki also had a good take on it, “Just because I put on a happy face and stop complaining and crying every minute doesn't mean that it's easy. Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I want to cry about it. Some days are easy and some days are freaking impossible. Some days the time flies by and some days I feel like he's never coming home. Don't get mad if I shut you out, and don't get mad if I need you constantly. Whether we dated for 2 days or 2 years before he left, I still promised to wait for him. Your judgments on how easy/hard it is are not needed or wanted.” 

There are some things and questions we really don’t want to hear.  I am a big fan of “it’s only a year”; it knocks me over every time I hear it.  Therese summed up a few of the ridiculous questions/statements we get, “How many people did he kill? Do you miss him? Wow, my boyfriend would NEVER leave me like that. If my husband left, I would die, I love him so much I couldn't survive without him, I wonder how you do that. It's no big deal, he'll be back before you know it, this year will fly by so quickly. Yeah, well you probably get to talk to him everyday, right--I mean, with the internet nowadays... I know EXACTLY how you feel---my boyfriend's been out of town for two days and he didn't answer his phone this morning!” Okay so maybe you think we are being oversensitive and perhaps we are, however we are never in a "who has it worse" war with our civilian friends, we DO take into consideration that most people just don’t know what to say and like Jenny said, “In hind sight, I think they are just trying to be helpful and understanding, but sometimes it is frustrating.” 

If we had a wish list of things we hoped that someone would do randomly for us, Kim hit the nail on the head, “Take me out to dinner or for a pedicure or something like that. I would not even expect them to pay...just take the initiative.”  Or like Chealsea said, “Call to check on ME” I think this all leads to the mindset that we sometimes feel forgotten, lost in the shuffle or  replaced with more convenient or less complicated friends/relatives.  We may suddenly become the "third" wheel or we may not have a babysitter and as "free" to do things, but we still could use the friendship.  On that note, we may turn you down, multiple times, for one reason or another, don't take it personally and don't stop asking.

Obviously, I have an issue asking for help, which for me is a great obstacle and perhaps the hardest of all, and I am not alone.  Nearly all the ladies that participated said that asking for help was a difficult thing to overcome or was perceived as weak or what they perceived as weak.  Not only do we take extreme pride in supporting our loved ones in the military, but we also take great pride in our independent natures.  A response from Jenny was quoted by several women, “In some ways, I like deployments (strange as it sounds) because it shows me that I am not dependent on my husband. Most of my friends who are not in the military life will never get to experience this type of independence in a marriage. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's bad... but this is my life and I wouldn't change a thing about it.”  Don’t confuse that with any of us thinking that we are any better than a civilian couple, the comparison is apples and oranges, but when life hands your lemons, you make lemonade!