We spend days, weeks, and months alone, wishing for our loved ones to come home, only to approach homecoming and suddenly get cold feet. As with most things deployment, it sounds ridiculous and confusing, like fighting when you should be savoring precious moments, or smiling through tears.
R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation. A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt. This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things. We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.
Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home. Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around. I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation. I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back.
I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well. Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too. They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order. Oh my.
A lot can happen and change in a year. Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Chapter 24 "Time is an enigma" 07/24/2012
Time is an enigma when you are married to the military.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Chapter 23 "And Another Day Bites The Dust" 07/21/2012
For the past two deployments I have sent Brian an email just about every day, sometimes two if I have something extra to add that I may have forgotten, but rarely have I missed a day.
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Chapter 22 "And she puts it all in little boxes" 07/10/2012
For some reason I do my best thinking in bed before I fall asleep. I often wish I had some way to think my thoughts onto paper, because if I bothered taking the time to write things down they would be fleeting. Last night I had an epiphany. Honest to God I bet a light bulb actually went off over my head. I don't recall what or why I thought of it, but I realized that my life is spent separating every thing and every one and every emotion. I think it is how I manage deployment.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Chapter 21 "Soldiering on, for dummies" 07/09/2012
When all else fails, I know I can blame deployment, for all of my problems, misgivings, shortcomings, and failures. I can point a finger to the big elephant in the room and be exonerated to some degree, but I don't. I don't do this for myself and I don't do this for my kids. At the end of the day, the only reason any of us will need a crutch is if we somehow broke a leg.
I mention this because recently we have been struggling. We are all at the end of our ropes in respects for patience. It has been tempting to explain away our behaviors with "we just can't help it, we are tired of waiting" until the husband/Daddy comes home. There have been numerous occasions in which I have thought that continually taking the high road simply allows others to behave poorly, but at the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. Take tonight for instance, someone posted something on Facebook suggesting that it really isn't that tough to run a home and be a parent if you don't also have a job, okay, fine, I get that to some degree, BUT don't spout that off when you have a husband, or wife, who comes home to help out every day or night, or if you have family that is helping you make your "ends" by helping with your children. Typically this type of thing doesn't get to me, I give said person, whomever it may be, their moment to complain, I mean we are all entitled to air our grievances and we should all try to support one another, but tonight this just got under my skin. It has taken every ounce of willpower to not respond with, "try doing it all 24/7 with minimal help, then check back, m'kay?" I know it is simply that I am at the end of the proverbial rope and soon such things won't bother me, but in the meantime, we soldier on!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Chapter 20 "All I need is just a little patience" 7/3/2012
Today was day two of swim lessons for Cooper. I thought things would go great since yesterday was such a success, WRONG! Flash back to the survey I mentioned a couple days ago...one of the sets of questions focused on how kids with deployed parents do with new activities or being away from the primary caregiver/parent. Cooper scored the lowest in this category.
Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson. This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids. That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions. He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard. I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot. After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I. After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off. UNCOOL. So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene. In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.
This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation. I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior. I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior. I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently. For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip. He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.
I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".
Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson. This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids. That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions. He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard. I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot. After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I. After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off. UNCOOL. So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene. In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.
This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation. I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior. I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior. I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently. For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip. He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.
I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".
Monday, July 2, 2012
Chapter 19 "Wishing time away" 07/02/2012
My favorite season is summer, it occurred to me recently that I have been spending this summer wishing it away. It is not unusual to spend more time wishing away time, then to actually enjoy the time I have. It doesn't stop at deployments either, there are countless training sessions, drill weekends, AT, the list goes on and on, in these times of being apart I typically experience a lot of guilt. The guilt comes in many forms, it may be the result of having fun without my husband, being here for the once in a lifetime moments he is missing, or for silly resentment I sometimes feel because holding down the fort gets overwhelming and exhausting. The result is pretty much the same, I wish time away.
While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days. Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan. Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week. We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's! Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer! Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.
While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days. Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan. Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week. We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's! Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer! Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Chapter 18 "Learning a little from our kids" 07/01/2012
Recently, one of the many military support pages I am a part of, posted a link for a survey for parents of children who have a deployed family member. I decided I may have some useful things to contribute since Cooper is within the age parameters they were looking for, and upon completion, I get paid fifty dollars. WINNING right? So, I spent about forty five minutes to an hour answering questions.
I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general. What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient. There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined. Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment. I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with. While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.
As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment. The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children. I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped. Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.
I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general. What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient. There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined. Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment. I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with. While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.
As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment. The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children. I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped. Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.
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