For some reason I do my best thinking in bed before I fall asleep. I often wish I had some way to think my thoughts onto paper, because if I bothered taking the time to write things down they would be fleeting. Last night I had an epiphany. Honest to God I bet a light bulb actually went off over my head. I don't recall what or why I thought of it, but I realized that my life is spent separating every thing and every one and every emotion. I think it is how I manage deployment.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
Love the analogy.
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