Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/31/11

Ahh, today I find myself in the last day of August 2011.  Tomorrow, I will be dropping Brian off for his deployment.  Life feels very off.

I finally got up the nerve to ask Brian about what we were going to tell Cooper.  Let me explain my son for you  just a little, he is 100% Momma's boy...until the past couple of weeks.  I swear, it is as if Murphy has pointed his cruel little wand at my household and said, "I evoke my law upon this home".  Cooper has been very much all into "Daddy" lately.  Wouldn't it figure?  So, thank you, thank you very much Mr. Murphy.  You know, once, I fell in love with a house...it was beautiful, you could tell that the people that owned it, loved it and took wonderful care of it, and they also had OCD.  Well, I put a contract on it pending the sale of my current home and BAM, someone else swooped in and bought it right out from under me.  You may be wondering why I bring this up?  Well, the people selling the house owned a landscaping company...guess what it was called?  "Murphy's Law(n)"  Yep, in the words of Bill Engvall..."here is your sign".

So, if I am being honest, I am struggling.  For the most part, I am doing pretty good at keeping my poker face on during waking hours...but once everyone goes to bed...

Today, Cooper got up at 8 am.  I know, it probably sounds like a reasonable time to get up, but lately, if he crawls into bed with me, he sleeps until 9:30, which allows me to either sleep in a little or get up and have some early morning "mommy time".  (which translates into mommy drowning out life by watching TV time)  Well, again, special thanks go out to my dear friend, "Murphy" and our house that gets NO sunlight only gets sunlight first thing in the morning and coincidentally, in COOPER'S room.  So, last night, he stayed in his bed all night and bright and early, wide eyed and bushy tailed, he wakes up at 8 am.  Today, I had the pleasure of 14 hours of "Cooper time".  Sounds awesome right?  Well, it is, he is a great and awesome kid, but 14 straight hours is EXHAUSTING.  God love the kid, just looking at him tires me out.  Today, we took Paige to finish school shopping...cleaned the yard, played soccer, watched movies, played Ipod, and I tell you the boy didn't ever stop talking.  I guess this is payback for his infant days in which he never as much as "coo'd"  it was either silence or cry.  I did teach him three new words (one of which required me to look up and explain 3 other words, so I guess you can count that as six new words, lol) which were, concentrate, ridiculous and frustrated.

I think I will head off to bed now.  My wine is taking the desired affect and I am feeling much like it is time to bid this long day farewell.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/30/2011

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/22/11

Today, I find myself a week from "D" day.  Well, a week'ish.

This past Friday night, Brian had Bingo at the American Legion.  He and Paige volunteer by selling cards, specials, helping those that win, etc. , well, it was bedtime and I told Cooper it was time for bed, he had a total meltdown and wanted to stay up until Daddy came home.  It was like a horrible fortune cookie of what is to come.  The first thing he asks about in the morning is "Is Daddy home"? 

I am irritable.  Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day for me.  Not only did I wake up with a headache, I couldn't take anything for it because of my current medication which was doing NOTHING for the pain.  My mom came up early to pick up Collin and we had a birthday party to go to that I couldn't miss, and then we went to Brian's parents for dinner.  It was a full day to say the least.  By the end, I was a grouchy mess that snapped at everyone, I am surprised my head didn't spin around. 

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/17/11

I hate to cry.  If you feel the same, perhaps you will understand what it is like to have this underlying nagging feeling that if for just a moment you succomb to, you will find yourself in a pool of tears.  I am no drama queen, don't get me wrong, but there are just times in which I just feel as though the world is closing in.  I know that there are people out there that go to bed alone every night, or that are single and dream of being in a relationship, ANY relationship.  I get that.  But it is different.  No matter what my life or your life is like, no matter the obstacles, we all handle things differently.  My way may or may not be the right way, but regardless of my situation or your situation, it sucks one way or another.

I am going to sound much like a Rascal Flatts song for just a moment (country by the way is NOT something I can stomach right now...I am 100% into anything that doesn't cause "emotion") but "what hurts the most" right now is just that I know that there are people that think that I am perhaps 'milking' this or using this as an excuse.  I find that and them very sad.  While I love Brian, I know that WE can handle anything that is thrown our way.  We may not be a model married couple but I think we do a pretty darn good job at being a team, but ...and this is a big but...we have a little boy that is going to have no idea what the heck just hit him.  How can some people just dismiss that?

I have been active with other military women for the past few years, and some of the things I tell them is to: get a hobby, set a goal, find the silver lining, yada yada yada.  So, I did commit (rather loosely and to be honest, moreso so I can wear the cute "work out clothes" than anything else) to running a 5k in September.  Now, be aware that my idea of running is that like my friend Julie has said from time to time when I have also half heartedly committed to "running"...I run only when being chased.  (thank you Julie for that lovely sentiment :D )  I hope to become some mad muscle by the time Brian returns...LOL.  Seriously, I have those "older lady" arms that wave in more than one place...and my bum could certainly use a little toning...not to mention that since I have not been feeling all that great, I have used that as an excuse (yes, I am more than happy to admit to any wrong doing, but ONLY if I have actually done WRONG) to just mope around and basically feel sorry for myself OR go to my happy place in Denial.  Crucify me if you must but take a few steps in my shoes then get back to me.  Sorry, I don't mean to be too overly negative but sometimes you just know that you are the object of conversation, and that you and your actions are under a microscope.  Oh, those that live in glass houses...well, there is a hail storm a coming and well, better take cover.  To be perfectly honest, I think I am just about done with accepting guilt and responsibility for things that suck. (Suck seems to be today's word of the day)

I remember way back about 8-9 years ago when Paige still had to have a babysitter.  I found this girl named Erin, her sister danced at the same studio that Paige did and she had told us that her boyfriend was in Iraq.  Erin always seemed so detached, so nonchalant about it.  I guess back then even though 9/11 was only a couple of years old I too found myself feeling very detached from it.  Never did I think that I would one day have someone, let alone a husband there or going there.  I try to keep that in mind when I get frustrated.  It isn't easy, I feel like I am making a lot of concessions but I guess someday I can let go of the anger that has been building.

Today, I took Paige "work clothes" shopping.  That makes me feel all tingly inside to say (or write).  I remember my first job.  I remember the feeling of pride that came along with earning my way, learning the value of a dollar...I remember buying or laying away as we did back then, sweaters that cost $80 dollars.  I cannot fathom paying $80 for 8 sweaters let alone ONE!  And, thinking back on what these sweaters looked like...but I think that my early years of hard work and never leaving a job without another lined up, really taught me and molded me into who I am today.  I am so happy for her and hope she gets as much out of her new job as I did.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/17/11

Tonight I find myself in a precarious situation.  Well, numerous precarious situations, but precarious nonetheless.

The first is me not "jumping the gun" so to speak.  I have a tendency to assume that if something is wrong or amiss, I am the reason behind it.  Yes, those conspiracy theories have some truth behind them and I am that truth...LOL!  No, this is just run of the mill "Shawna's Life" stuff.  My current dilemma is to avoid invading someone's space that could very well be better left alone and assumed that while things may be "off" they are not necessarily of my doing, at least not intentionally, and certainly not for any reason other than what I have explained already.  Oh yes, if you were confused before you finished this paragraph, you are certain to be confused now.  Needless to say, I am just going to sleep on it and give it some time.  Yes, that is what I am going to do.

Today, I had more blood drawn, and yesterday was the x-rays.  Needless to say I am petrified.  One would think that the more I have blood drawn, the more invasive things become the more "comfortable" I would be.  NOT.  Today I believe I actually felt afraid, not about the results but about the needle from the bloodwork...and then the results.  More than anything, I was afraid to pee in the little cup.  What if it is filled with protein and my kidneys are not doing their job?  (I just deleted the last sentence...I love backspace.  Some things are just not necessarily meant to be said, only thought.) 

Of course, today would be bittersweet.  Paige got a JOB!  The first thing she said was "I get to complain now that I will be paying taxes".  I didn't tell her that she probably won't make enough to actually contribute to the whole tax paying account, but hey, it makes her feel good.  She did all the research to have a successful interview and is now gainfully employed at Domino's Pizza.  I am so proud of her. 

Tonight, I watched as Cooper snuggled up to Brian on the couch and had a meaningful conversation about XMen.  Who is good, who is bad, why...If I try hard I can push it all aside and not think about it.  But to make matters worse, tonight as I lay down with him before he went to sleep, he asked me if I had a Halloween costume.  I told  him I did, that I could be Abby from NCIS again and then he asked if Daddy had his costume.  I didn't tell him that Daddy would be wearing his ACU's at Halloween and that maybe NEXT year Daddy could trick or treat.

When Brian seems to be in a bad mood, it is all I have not to think that he is leaving and I get to be the one to pick up the pieces, to carry on and make everything okay.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that he will be somewhere dangerous.  Then the guilt piles on.

At night, like tonight, I know I should probably be in bed.  But, I am sticking to my same old routine because if not, I will be laying in bed next to my husband, reminding myself that soon, much too soon, I will be here all alone, that he will be thousands of miles away in some tiny little twin bed while I lay here wishing I had taken advantage of having him here.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/15/11

Deployment is much like being in purgatory or in limbo.  Worse than the deployment "purgatory" is the PRE-Deployment "purgatory".  Pre-deployment purgatory is worse than the actual deployment purgatory.  This could totally be a drinking game...

I know that people probably think that you cherish every moment with your loved one before they go, and I suppose that some do, but me, I just want to get things in motion, moving forward and not in this place where you are constantly anticipating the inevitable.  I imagine that Brian is in the same place, but then again, I don't know because neither of us talk about it.  We will, don't get me wrong, but it will be a while.  In the meantime, neither of us are admitting to anything, we plead the 5th, in fact, we don't plead anything, we simply don't even mention the large elephant in the middle of the room.   Every moment I pretty much want to cry, but I stifle that feeling by drowning myself with TV or some other mindless activity in which I convince myself not to think.

I know that there are things I need to take into consideration, like, do we tell Cooper?  How do you tell a three year old that has no concept of time that Daddy is going away for a year?  That he will miss 52 weeks, Halloween, Birthday's, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter...and countless non-named days throughout the year?  Perhaps I am making more of this than there really is, but this is just a little something I have to think about.  I remember when Paige was little and I would explain time by the number of episodes there were i.e. "we will go to dance in 2 Sponge Bob episodes" or my favorite answer to "are we there yet" or "how much longer" was "1o minutes"...do you know how many 10 minutes there are from MD to FL?

Today, I finally got to go see my "rheumatologist".  I can hardly even believe I HAVE a rheumatologist, let alone have my very own.  Sadly, I have no more answers than I had before I went.  I went to have chest x-rays today and will have blood work in the morning.  We are not ruling out Lyme's Disease (which I find myself "routing for", which is strange, who "routes" for a disease?) but Lupus is still a contender in all that is my life.  I like this guy apparently he doesn't want to "label" me with Lupus until we are 100% which makes sense.

I am seriously considering putting the house on the market.  I talked with a friend of ours this past weekend about the changes I wanted to make in the house and it is actually going to be quite a bit easier than I thought.  A little painting and finishing up a couple of projects and I might find myself house shopping.  Brian has already started :)  It will be interesting to see where we are in a year, financially, geographically, physically...emotionally, medically...

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/11/11

I have decided that this will probably be the only place I will really be honest.  Everywhere else, I am sure I will be wearing my "game face" but here, I vow to be truthful, brutal and honest.

Yesterday was a horrible day here.  Basically, it was the beginning of the end.  Not the end end, but you know that day when the switch goes off.  The day when reality hits home and you have an "oh crap" moment.  Brian dropped off his first load of "stuff" to be shipped off to the desert.  Of course, he came home in a suitable mood.  I have been expecting this.  We go through it each time he has to go away.  I know the natural thing to expect is that you cherish every gosh durn moment but there is the flip side.  The side that says to distance yourself, make saying "I'll see you later" easier.  We are both guilty of it.  Packing starts and I drown myself in a television show, chores or just plain denial.

Cooper seems to sense that things are different.  He bit (when I say "bit", I am talking JAWS, not nibble) our friends daughter, (whom I was babysitting, so she was in my care) has been peeing in his pants and just not listening.  On top of that, he took the hot iron and put it on my fairly new carpet leaving a beautiful iron mark on the floor.  He is hardly eating, which for him is a big deal because the kid doesn't eat much to begin with.  I know that the tenseness of life is just beginning and we still have a couple'ish more weeks to go.

Monday is finally the day in which I get to go to see the specialist.  I am terrified.  I don't know why except for the fact that it is the unknown.  Considering some of it will be stress related I am trying to determine how to alleviate stress.  I think I have determined for several reasons to postpone going to school for the fall semester.  Additionally, I have some "community" stuff that could be going on that I think I am personally going to have to pass on.  I don't think I am really at a point in my life right now where adding drama is a good idea.

The next couple'ish weeks should prove to be quite interesting.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/8/11

Today is a tough entry. 

I am figuring a lot of things out.  I am learning that it is necessary to withdrawl…a lot.  Not for the obvious reasons, but because I am in the stage of “rage”.  I feel like a volcano about to erupt and considering that it is possible someone may say the wrong thing, I am afraid that this new found filter less mouth is going to unleash on the wrong person, i.e. family or someone I consider a friend. 

I realized that I started pulling away from people, lots of people actually (as much as months ago) and mainly because they are my friends/family.  I know it may not make sense but I have been mentally preparing for “D” day for months…even before I knew it was 100% because in my heart of hearts, I had a gut feeling.  I am one of those people that is always trying to put myself in other people’s positions, even now with everything going on or especially now with everything that is going on.  I know most of my friends and family pretty well, and I know that they are all here for me, but I also know which ones are uncomfortable by my situation and which ones are at a loss for words, let alone the right words, and really, are there RIGHT words?  Believe me; I hold it against no one.  I just hope that once I get into some type of a routine and life gets situated that they can forgive me for doing what I feel is best for me and my family for now. 

While I have pulled away from some, I have gravitated to others; either because they just listen or they attempt to understand without patronizing me, or because they don’t treat me like I am handling this wrong.  I don’t feel as though I can explain my reasoning as I don’t want it to be an excuse, nor am I one of those “pity me” types.  I do not want anyone’s pity, I do not want or need an excuse for my behavior, I guess all I really want is compassion and to NOT be given a hard(er) time.  Then, I feel bad, because I feel like I am being “all about me” which is not at all what I am doing…such a conundrum. 

Truth be told, my body is starting to respond to the stress.  I have been dismissing it but I have had increased back pain that lingers far longer than it should, joint pain that has little if any relief, mouth sores (apparently another “symptom”) swelling to the point that I end up wrangling off my rings in my sleep, decreased sleep, disrupted sleep…the only time I fall asleep easily is if I am laying Cooper down and I happen to drift off, this can only attribute this to the fact that when I lay him down, I have intent and purpose and my mind is settled, if only briefly.  The rest of the time I keep my mind at bay by watching hours of mindless TV or surfing the internet or housework...though, not enough housework... lately I have started organizing and purging.  This specialist better be good considering I have been waiting for WEEKS for this appointment.  There is nothing like adding to the stress by wondering if your mind/body will be able to keep up with demand.

Ah, add to it the involuntary moments of wanting to cry.  Reality sucks.  Packing has begun, scary paperwork has begun, preparations have begun and will continue for the rest of the time we have.  Not a minute is wasted; time is spent visiting (perhaps for the last time, yet not allowing yourself to think that) or otherwise preparing.  Lots of things go unspoken, but not un-thought.   Psychologically there are no words.  Wanting to cry...yes, but holding it all together, much harder than it seems.

My “project” while Brian is away is to get our house ready for the market.  My goal is to have it market ready by spring.  Keep in mind; this is just a goal, mainly for mind control.  I am not sure that I have enough stuff to paint in the coming days.  I would love to have a farm. 

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/7/11

Yesterday was a good day.  Brian had a one day drill and got to come home early.  We ended up lounging around and had a few drinks around the fire pit.

I had to leave the comfort of my second home in "Denial" so back to "Reality".  

Today was the installation of officers at the American Legion that Brian belongs to.  They inducted him as the Sergeant at Arms.  The difficult part was a couple of times during the ceremony, they did refer to Brian and his impending departure.  During dinner, several people came up and wished him well and told him to be safe...rewind to the recollection that there are four documents in my bedroom that all prepare for the worst and give me the power to make all decisions for our family in his absence.   One of the documents discusses "remains".   *Sigh*  I also have several "age appropriate" folders with "how to cope" materials.  Strangely, nowhere do I see any document that tells me if I am or am not handling this in the correct or proper manner.

A little off subject, but I am realizing more and more as the time gets closer that the gap, hole, pit, crater, gully, etc. left by Samson's departure from this world is NOT being at all filled by our beloved Gus.  I love the little guy but he doesn't have that same "old soul" quality like Samson did.  I don't know what that means at this point, but I think that some fostering and a possible new addition may be in store.  I really have to get this farm that I dream of.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/5/11

It is funny how we are classified as one group or another without even knowing, for example, to the Amish, we are "English" or "Fancy".  I for one, am neither English nor Fancy, and I consider the Amish to be intriging, but I doubt that they would consider themselves to be anything but Plain.  I mention this because once we get involved with someone in the military we are suddenly "military" wives or girlfriends and we refer to our non-military friends as "civilians" and it almost becomes a dirty word.

I think I figured out the problem today.  I was talking to Paige about how I was feeling about "civilians" and their approach to our military situation, a.k.a. impending deployment.  I think of it like I am a woman, and everyone else is a man.  Rude, I know, but think about how many times you have heard a woman say that she just wants to vent to her husband/boyfriend and that he wants to "fix" her problem. 

Currently I am in the stage of anticipation.  I am thinking or overthinking what is to come to death.  I am going from being a two parent household to a single parent household and I am thinking logisitics.  What do I do if I have to pick Paige up from practice or work (should the poor girl get a job) and Cooper is sick or sleeping?  All the times I just "run out" and leave him home, now, I am going to have to drag him where ever I go.  Or, if I do decide to continue with a few classes, what about homework/exam/project time?  I know that once Brian leaves, I will iron out all these details and in hindsight I will think, "hmm...this isn't SO bad" kind of like childbirth, but in the meantime, my mind is racing with all the "how do I", "what if's".

So, back to "fixing" the problem...I don't need anyone to fix anything.  I know that they will be here to help, God forbid I actually have the courage or strength to call for help, but that is a different blog entry.  Right now, but not always, I just need to be able to pose these questions, to voice my concerns, to vent my frustrations without anyone feeling the need to try to fix it.  There is nothing to fix.  Like my friend Ashley said today, we are not victims.  We know what we have signed up for even if we haven't signed on the dotted line.  Our signing comes in the way of "I do".  We do it with pride, and we do it willingly, but that does not negate the need to vent, nor does it negate the need for a sympathetic ear.

Chapter 1 "Deployment for Dummies" 8/4/11

More and more I find myself gravitating more towards my "military friends".  To them, I don't have to explain what I am going through, they don't expect anything from me and they don't try to minimize my feelings or actions.  For many of us, we have been through this before.

I don't discount my "civilian" friends.  They are great too, sadly, they just don't have the same experience.  I mean NO disrespect, but sometimes people just don't get it.  They have no idea how I have known for months on end and anticipated it, dreaded it and wished it were over.  How I can look at my son play with his dad and know at some point, I am going to have to explain, and no matter what words I use, he is still going to be sad, confused and hurt.  Or the fact that I cannot even fathom what my husband is thinking, no matter how hard I try.  Even worse, I don't want to ask because I don't need to know and I am afraid to know. 

Like I said, I have "been here before".  The romance of a deployment dies fast.  I don't think anyone intends on it to happen but after a while everyone gets on with their own lives.  I have taken great lengths to ensure that I have surrounded myself with awesome people so while that part is somewhat secure, there are parts that I truly have no control over. 

There are manuals for this.  They tell you "what to expect" and normalize how you may feel, but lets face it, this experience isn't typical textbook.  I can prepare by talking feelings over, preparing the necessary paperwork, pictures, videos, discuss: boundaries, expectations, finances, life insurance, when to call the Red Cross...the list goes on, but really are there any true preparation?  Do I really hope for the best and prepare for the worst?


So, there are going to be days when I wake up and everything is going to be great, and there are going to be days when with no explanation, I am going to wake up feeling dread and wishing to crawl back under the covers and hibernate.  I don't know what the "right" approach is or if there is even one, BUT be patient please.

Prelude

So everyone seems to be blogging these days.  I was going to start once Brian left for deployment but decided there is just as much to write about before he left as there is once he is gone.  I thought about naming my blog, “deployment for dummies” but well, that would mean implying that I thought the people that read it were dumb, so I decided to keep thinking.  I thought I might like to keep on blogging, so the name needed to stand the “test of time” so given my love of plays on words, here is “We will get Truitt”!  Chapter one is called…Deployment for Dummies!  See, I kept my sense of humor!  Welcome to my world.