More and more I find myself gravitating more towards my "military friends". To them, I don't have to explain what I am going through, they don't expect anything from me and they don't try to minimize my feelings or actions. For many of us, we have been through this before.
I don't discount my "civilian" friends. They are great too, sadly, they just don't have the same experience. I mean NO disrespect, but sometimes people just don't get it. They have no idea how I have known for months on end and anticipated it, dreaded it and wished it were over. How I can look at my son play with his dad and know at some point, I am going to have to explain, and no matter what words I use, he is still going to be sad, confused and hurt. Or the fact that I cannot even fathom what my husband is thinking, no matter how hard I try. Even worse, I don't want to ask because I don't need to know and I am afraid to know.
Like I said, I have "been here before". The romance of a deployment dies fast. I don't think anyone intends on it to happen but after a while everyone gets on with their own lives. I have taken great lengths to ensure that I have surrounded myself with awesome people so while that part is somewhat secure, there are parts that I truly have no control over.
There are manuals for this. They tell you "what to expect" and normalize how you may feel, but lets face it, this experience isn't typical textbook. I can prepare by talking feelings over, preparing the necessary paperwork, pictures, videos, discuss: boundaries, expectations, finances, life insurance, when to call the Red Cross...the list goes on, but really are there any true preparation? Do I really hope for the best and prepare for the worst?
So, there are going to be days when I wake up and everything is going to be great, and there are going to be days when with no explanation, I am going to wake up feeling dread and wishing to crawl back under the covers and hibernate. I don't know what the "right" approach is or if there is even one, BUT be patient please.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one thinking and feeling these things. :) Hopefully we'll be able to hang out a bit while the guys are gone this time!
ReplyDeleteNo you are certainly not alone Melissa! And, yes, we definitely need to get together. It has been far too long since we have hung out. You know the motto...Stay Busy!
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