I am figuring a lot of things out. I am learning that it is necessary to withdrawl…a lot. Not for the obvious reasons, but because I am in the stage of “rage”. I feel like a volcano about to erupt and considering that it is possible someone may say the wrong thing, I am afraid that this new found filter less mouth is going to unleash on the wrong person, i.e. family or someone I consider a friend.
I realized that I started pulling away from people, lots of people actually (as much as months ago) and mainly because they are my friends/family. I know it may not make sense but I have been mentally preparing for “D” day for months…even before I knew it was 100% because in my heart of hearts, I had a gut feeling. I am one of those people that is always trying to put myself in other people’s positions, even now with everything going on or especially now with everything that is going on. I know most of my friends and family pretty well, and I know that they are all here for me, but I also know which ones are uncomfortable by my situation and which ones are at a loss for words, let alone the right words, and really, are there RIGHT words? Believe me; I hold it against no one. I just hope that once I get into some type of a routine and life gets situated that they can forgive me for doing what I feel is best for me and my family for now.
While I have pulled away from some, I have gravitated to others; either because they just listen or they attempt to understand without patronizing me, or because they don’t treat me like I am handling this wrong. I don’t feel as though I can explain my reasoning as I don’t want it to be an excuse, nor am I one of those “pity me” types. I do not want anyone’s pity, I do not want or need an excuse for my behavior, I guess all I really want is compassion and to NOT be given a hard(er) time. Then, I feel bad, because I feel like I am being “all about me” which is not at all what I am doing…such a conundrum.
Truth be told, my body is starting to respond to the stress. I have been dismissing it but I have had increased back pain that lingers far longer than it should, joint pain that has little if any relief, mouth sores (apparently another “symptom”) swelling to the point that I end up wrangling off my rings in my sleep, decreased sleep, disrupted sleep…the only time I fall asleep easily is if I am laying Cooper down and I happen to drift off, this can only attribute this to the fact that when I lay him down, I have intent and purpose and my mind is settled, if only briefly. The rest of the time I keep my mind at bay by watching hours of mindless TV or surfing the internet or housework...though, not enough housework... lately I have started organizing and purging. This specialist better be good considering I have been waiting for WEEKS for this appointment. There is nothing like adding to the stress by wondering if your mind/body will be able to keep up with demand.
Ah, add to it the involuntary moments of wanting to cry. Reality sucks. Packing has begun, scary paperwork has begun, preparations have begun and will continue for the rest of the time we have. Not a minute is wasted; time is spent visiting (perhaps for the last time, yet not allowing yourself to think that) or otherwise preparing. Lots of things go unspoken, but not un-thought. Psychologically there are no words. Wanting to cry...yes, but holding it all together, much harder than it seems.
My “project” while Brian is away is to get our house ready for the market. My goal is to have it market ready by spring. Keep in mind; this is just a goal, mainly for mind control. I am not sure that I have enough stuff to paint in the coming days. I would love to have a farm.
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