Tonight I find myself in a precarious situation. Well, numerous precarious situations, but precarious nonetheless.
The first is me not "jumping the gun" so to speak. I have a tendency to assume that if something is wrong or amiss, I am the reason behind it. Yes, those conspiracy theories have some truth behind them and I am that truth...LOL! No, this is just run of the mill "Shawna's Life" stuff. My current dilemma is to avoid invading someone's space that could very well be better left alone and assumed that while things may be "off" they are not necessarily of my doing, at least not intentionally, and certainly not for any reason other than what I have explained already. Oh yes, if you were confused before you finished this paragraph, you are certain to be confused now. Needless to say, I am just going to sleep on it and give it some time. Yes, that is what I am going to do.
Today, I had more blood drawn, and yesterday was the x-rays. Needless to say I am petrified. One would think that the more I have blood drawn, the more invasive things become the more "comfortable" I would be. NOT. Today I believe I actually felt afraid, not about the results but about the needle from the bloodwork...and then the results. More than anything, I was afraid to pee in the little cup. What if it is filled with protein and my kidneys are not doing their job? (I just deleted the last sentence...I love backspace. Some things are just not necessarily meant to be said, only thought.)
Of course, today would be bittersweet. Paige got a JOB! The first thing she said was "I get to complain now that I will be paying taxes". I didn't tell her that she probably won't make enough to actually contribute to the whole tax paying account, but hey, it makes her feel good. She did all the research to have a successful interview and is now gainfully employed at Domino's Pizza. I am so proud of her.
Tonight, I watched as Cooper snuggled up to Brian on the couch and had a meaningful conversation about XMen. Who is good, who is bad, why...If I try hard I can push it all aside and not think about it. But to make matters worse, tonight as I lay down with him before he went to sleep, he asked me if I had a Halloween costume. I told him I did, that I could be Abby from NCIS again and then he asked if Daddy had his costume. I didn't tell him that Daddy would be wearing his ACU's at Halloween and that maybe NEXT year Daddy could trick or treat.
When Brian seems to be in a bad mood, it is all I have not to think that he is leaving and I get to be the one to pick up the pieces, to carry on and make everything okay. Sometimes it is easy to forget that he will be somewhere dangerous. Then the guilt piles on.
At night, like tonight, I know I should probably be in bed. But, I am sticking to my same old routine because if not, I will be laying in bed next to my husband, reminding myself that soon, much too soon, I will be here all alone, that he will be thousands of miles away in some tiny little twin bed while I lay here wishing I had taken advantage of having him here.
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