I hate to cry. If you feel the same, perhaps you will understand what it is like to have this underlying nagging feeling that if for just a moment you succomb to, you will find yourself in a pool of tears. I am no drama queen, don't get me wrong, but there are just times in which I just feel as though the world is closing in. I know that there are people out there that go to bed alone every night, or that are single and dream of being in a relationship, ANY relationship. I get that. But it is different. No matter what my life or your life is like, no matter the obstacles, we all handle things differently. My way may or may not be the right way, but regardless of my situation or your situation, it sucks one way or another.
I am going to sound much like a Rascal Flatts song for just a moment (country by the way is NOT something I can stomach right now...I am 100% into anything that doesn't cause "emotion") but "what hurts the most" right now is just that I know that there are people that think that I am perhaps 'milking' this or using this as an excuse. I find that and them very sad. While I love Brian, I know that WE can handle anything that is thrown our way. We may not be a model married couple but I think we do a pretty darn good job at being a team, but ...and this is a big but...we have a little boy that is going to have no idea what the heck just hit him. How can some people just dismiss that?
I have been active with other military women for the past few years, and some of the things I tell them is to: get a hobby, set a goal, find the silver lining, yada yada yada. So, I did commit (rather loosely and to be honest, moreso so I can wear the cute "work out clothes" than anything else) to running a 5k in September. Now, be aware that my idea of running is that like my friend Julie has said from time to time when I have also half heartedly committed to "running"...I run only when being chased. (thank you Julie for that lovely sentiment :D ) I hope to become some mad muscle by the time Brian returns...LOL. Seriously, I have those "older lady" arms that wave in more than one place...and my bum could certainly use a little toning...not to mention that since I have not been feeling all that great, I have used that as an excuse (yes, I am more than happy to admit to any wrong doing, but ONLY if I have actually done WRONG) to just mope around and basically feel sorry for myself OR go to my happy place in Denial. Crucify me if you must but take a few steps in my shoes then get back to me. Sorry, I don't mean to be too overly negative but sometimes you just know that you are the object of conversation, and that you and your actions are under a microscope. Oh, those that live in glass houses...well, there is a hail storm a coming and well, better take cover. To be perfectly honest, I think I am just about done with accepting guilt and responsibility for things that suck. (Suck seems to be today's word of the day)
I remember way back about 8-9 years ago when Paige still had to have a babysitter. I found this girl named Erin, her sister danced at the same studio that Paige did and she had told us that her boyfriend was in Iraq. Erin always seemed so detached, so nonchalant about it. I guess back then even though 9/11 was only a couple of years old I too found myself feeling very detached from it. Never did I think that I would one day have someone, let alone a husband there or going there. I try to keep that in mind when I get frustrated. It isn't easy, I feel like I am making a lot of concessions but I guess someday I can let go of the anger that has been building.
Today, I took Paige "work clothes" shopping. That makes me feel all tingly inside to say (or write). I remember my first job. I remember the feeling of pride that came along with earning my way, learning the value of a dollar...I remember buying or laying away as we did back then, sweaters that cost $80 dollars. I cannot fathom paying $80 for 8 sweaters let alone ONE! And, thinking back on what these sweaters looked like...but I think that my early years of hard work and never leaving a job without another lined up, really taught me and molded me into who I am today. I am so happy for her and hope she gets as much out of her new job as I did.
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