Deployment is much like being in purgatory or in limbo. Worse than the deployment "purgatory" is the PRE-Deployment "purgatory". Pre-deployment purgatory is worse than the actual deployment purgatory. This could totally be a drinking game...
I know that people probably think that you cherish every moment with your loved one before they go, and I suppose that some do, but me, I just want to get things in motion, moving forward and not in this place where you are constantly anticipating the inevitable. I imagine that Brian is in the same place, but then again, I don't know because neither of us talk about it. We will, don't get me wrong, but it will be a while. In the meantime, neither of us are admitting to anything, we plead the 5th, in fact, we don't plead anything, we simply don't even mention the large elephant in the middle of the room. Every moment I pretty much want to cry, but I stifle that feeling by drowning myself with TV or some other mindless activity in which I convince myself not to think.
I know that there are things I need to take into consideration, like, do we tell Cooper? How do you tell a three year old that has no concept of time that Daddy is going away for a year? That he will miss 52 weeks, Halloween, Birthday's, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter...and countless non-named days throughout the year? Perhaps I am making more of this than there really is, but this is just a little something I have to think about. I remember when Paige was little and I would explain time by the number of episodes there were i.e. "we will go to dance in 2 Sponge Bob episodes" or my favorite answer to "are we there yet" or "how much longer" was "1o minutes"...do you know how many 10 minutes there are from MD to FL?
Today, I finally got to go see my "rheumatologist". I can hardly even believe I HAVE a rheumatologist, let alone have my very own. Sadly, I have no more answers than I had before I went. I went to have chest x-rays today and will have blood work in the morning. We are not ruling out Lyme's Disease (which I find myself "routing for", which is strange, who "routes" for a disease?) but Lupus is still a contender in all that is my life. I like this guy apparently he doesn't want to "label" me with Lupus until we are 100% which makes sense.
I am seriously considering putting the house on the market. I talked with a friend of ours this past weekend about the changes I wanted to make in the house and it is actually going to be quite a bit easier than I thought. A little painting and finishing up a couple of projects and I might find myself house shopping. Brian has already started :) It will be interesting to see where we are in a year, financially, geographically, physically...emotionally, medically...
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