Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
I think it is only appropriate to celebrate Thanksgiving in August, I may even prepare the fancy meal for I have so much to be thankful for. There are a few people/organizations that have greatly contributed to my family coming out on the other side, sane and intact.
Our Military Kids gave Cooper a grant to attend martial arts for six months, free of charge. I asked around and was given high recommendations for a local place, Phoenix Martial Arts, aka Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do. I cannot express what a Godsend this grant was. Twice a week I was able to have a thirty minute break that I didn't need to feel guilty for. Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do went above and beyond for our family, in the times when Cooper was having difficulty, they made sure to give him the confidence in which he then used to excel. I strongly urge anyone that is considering getting their child involved in something, look into martial arts, observe a class, ask around and find the right fit for your child, and if you are local to my area, you will not do better for your child than Eastern Shore Tang Soo Do.
I am thankful for my/our family that helped out or offered support. In particular, my sister and her family gave up a lot of time to spend several weekends/weeks with us. It is a bit of a haul to get from her house to mine, along with packing her daughter up and enduring the drive. We are forever grateful for her/their sacrifice. Never did she complain about the distance, nor make me feel bad for coming up. They helped pass the time and provided us with great entertainment, and gave me a reason to cook. When I think of family, she epitomizes it. I know, without a doubt, she would drop everything if I asked her. I know she wouldn't make me feel guilty or like an imposition for it.
I have a couple of close "real life" friends that offered on many occasions to entertain us. I knew that if I was in a bind, they could be called upon and if they could, they would, no questions asked. Countless meals were accompanied by play dates, usually a glass (or more) of wine. They were never patronizing or judgmental about how I was or was not handling my life. These friends have job(s) and families of their own, yet always found time to incorporate us into their lives. They know who they are and I hope I can repay their friendship!
I have innumerable online friends and supporters. Years ago, one of these friends had a picture online that stated "all my friends live in my computer", and that has stuck with me for all that time. Though some people cannot be there to give you an actual hug or share in a glass of wine, they are without a doubt there; you know that they think of you because you think of them. You share their joys, their sorrows, you anticipate the birth of their children, you watch them grow, you become so invested in their lives that you might very well be closer to them than those who are right next to you. They understand things that no one else could come close to understanding. No one on the outside could ever understand the bond we share.
There are many other people who have contributed in some way or another, sometimes it was simply a cashier that noticed my military ID, or someone that inquired about my "Son in Service" magnet on the car and thanked our family for our service/sacrifice and asked that I also pass along their gratitude to Brian. It is hard to be in this position, to be forced to ask for help or to accept it when you prefer to do things on your own, so I was especially grateful for anyone that has taken that burden from me and just extended a kindness. I hope that someday I am able to pay it forward.
Come to think of it, I think I will have Thanksgiving in August, turkey with all the trimmings, I will invite family and friends and we will rejoice in the year that is soon behind us. Perhaps I will find a way to involve those who cannot be here with us to celebrate, a Skype Thanksgiving, after all, we are used to that!
*If I did not mention you specifically, please do not allow your feelings to be hurt, my intention was to point out that there were many people that contributed to our success, I did not name anyone outright as to not cause drama. Chances are if you are in our lives, you somehow helped us through and your efforts will be remembered.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Chapter 26 "Like a thief in the night" 07/30/2012
I have often thought it would be cool if I didn't need to sleep. I could get so much done, it would almost be a super power. I am not a good "sleeper", never really have been, which probably explains why my kids, when little, were not good sleepers, but that frustration is another post.
I have suffered with bouts of insomnia for all my life. For a while I was sleeping so well, I attribute it to cutting out caffeine and wine thanks to my irritable stomach. Last week, insomnia found me again. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel tired at all, but I feel like I should be sleeping since my body needs it, and my kids need me to be alert, less cranky, and more patient.
One of my fondest memories, I kid you not, was an awesome nights sleep I had about six years ago. Sad right? Brian was deployed at the time and I went to my uncle's for dinner and to spend the night. I remember sitting down for dinner and being tired and going to bed around 8:30 sleeping through the night and waking up around 6:00 am feeling fully rested and energized. I do not remember feeling that good in the morning, rest wise ever since, of course, I have had Cooper since then and even on the rare occasion that he sleeps soundly through the night, I am still aware that he "might" wake up and if he doesn't, I constantly worry something may be wrong. Oh the life of the mother!
I have suffered with bouts of insomnia for all my life. For a while I was sleeping so well, I attribute it to cutting out caffeine and wine thanks to my irritable stomach. Last week, insomnia found me again. I am getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel tired at all, but I feel like I should be sleeping since my body needs it, and my kids need me to be alert, less cranky, and more patient.
One of my fondest memories, I kid you not, was an awesome nights sleep I had about six years ago. Sad right? Brian was deployed at the time and I went to my uncle's for dinner and to spend the night. I remember sitting down for dinner and being tired and going to bed around 8:30 sleeping through the night and waking up around 6:00 am feeling fully rested and energized. I do not remember feeling that good in the morning, rest wise ever since, of course, I have had Cooper since then and even on the rare occasion that he sleeps soundly through the night, I am still aware that he "might" wake up and if he doesn't, I constantly worry something may be wrong. Oh the life of the mother!
Chapter 27 "Tying up loose ends" 08/07/2012
I admit, I have been beyond fortunate in the two deployments I have endured. Very rarely have I gone a day without some type of email, instant message, Skype date, or phone call, and if I did, I knew in advance.
We are coming up on the end of this year apart and for reasons I will not disclose, just to err on the side of safety, I did not hear from Brian for a couple of days. Right here and now I have to give major credit to the women who go for days, weeks, or months without hearing from their SO's. It is a difficult enough job to hold down the fort, but to not hear from them is pure torture. I found myself getting cranky and more impatient than normal. I knew he was fine, but like I said, I have been spoiled.
On a side note, at the end of a deployment there seem to be a lot of loose ends to tie up. Currently I am trying to close out my MyCAA benefits, which allowed me to use this time to further my education/skills. Of course, since I have not logged on for quite some time and the password they want you to use has to be over 16 characters long, include 2 upper case, 2 lower case, 2 numbers, and 2 special characters, I forgot, imagine that! So, then I had to get a special email to my AKO Webmail account which wasn't working properly, and once I finally got that working I had to change my password, make a phone call, resubmit some paperwork...it is not even 12:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted! But, the good news is I thought I was going to have to pay close to $200 to make up the difference of the final bill but since things had gone the way they had, I was able to resubmit for the additional funds.
There are a lot of opportunities for those of us stateside during a deployment. I strongly urge anyone going through a deployment or preparing to, to take full advantage of the possibilities to further your own career or knowledge.
We are coming up on the end of this year apart and for reasons I will not disclose, just to err on the side of safety, I did not hear from Brian for a couple of days. Right here and now I have to give major credit to the women who go for days, weeks, or months without hearing from their SO's. It is a difficult enough job to hold down the fort, but to not hear from them is pure torture. I found myself getting cranky and more impatient than normal. I knew he was fine, but like I said, I have been spoiled.
On a side note, at the end of a deployment there seem to be a lot of loose ends to tie up. Currently I am trying to close out my MyCAA benefits, which allowed me to use this time to further my education/skills. Of course, since I have not logged on for quite some time and the password they want you to use has to be over 16 characters long, include 2 upper case, 2 lower case, 2 numbers, and 2 special characters, I forgot, imagine that! So, then I had to get a special email to my AKO Webmail account which wasn't working properly, and once I finally got that working I had to change my password, make a phone call, resubmit some paperwork...it is not even 12:30 in the afternoon and I am exhausted! But, the good news is I thought I was going to have to pay close to $200 to make up the difference of the final bill but since things had gone the way they had, I was able to resubmit for the additional funds.
There are a lot of opportunities for those of us stateside during a deployment. I strongly urge anyone going through a deployment or preparing to, to take full advantage of the possibilities to further your own career or knowledge.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Chapter 25 "The caveat, you get used to being alone" 07/29/2012
We spend days, weeks, and months alone, wishing for our loved ones to come home, only to approach homecoming and suddenly get cold feet. As with most things deployment, it sounds ridiculous and confusing, like fighting when you should be savoring precious moments, or smiling through tears.
R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation. A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt. This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things. We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.
Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home. Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around. I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation. I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back.
I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well. Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too. They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order. Oh my.
A lot can happen and change in a year. Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.
R&R was a preview, but you always know that is temporary, similar to vacation. A homecoming means getting back into the regular routines, and the year you spent lounging around in your pj's for days on end will suddenly come to an abrupt halt. This doesn't mean that I think Brian will come home and change everything or anything, but you get used to being alone, you get used to calling all the shots and rarely do you bear reason to second guess anything, after all, with half a world and time between you, who is going to know if you spent all day in your jammies, if you ate dinner on the couch, if the laundry piled up for so long it took hours to fold and put it away, and yes, I am guilty of all those things. We all know we are supposed to carry on as usual while they are away, but it becomes easy, if not necessary for survival to slack here and there, just to make it through a particular day, week, or month.
Today, I caught myself getting defensive about how I was handling my job here at home. Cooper has been sick and the fever must have altered his personality because once it left he has been an obnoxious little person that I have found difficult to enjoy being around. I realized part of the problem was that there has been a big "to-do" about Daddy coming home, and he gets anxious as well, kids and change are not always a fabulous equation. I decided I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and hopefully I will get my sweet little man back.
I imagine it is tough for those returning home as well. Though they have been prepared for it and are excited to come home, it has to be a major change for them too. They have been secluded in a little bubble, following orders or giving orders and they haven't been around all the chaos that is the home fire. I am used to the kids, their schedules, being pulled in multiple directions, changes at the last minute, flying by the seat of my pants--they have been accustomed to order. Oh my.
A lot can happen and change in a year. Our missions are coming to an end, the rules are changing, and like an MMA fight, there seem to be very few "rules" except to expect everything and anything including the unexpected.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Chapter 24 "Time is an enigma" 07/24/2012
Time is an enigma when you are married to the military.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
This time last year I was busy mentally preparing for the forthcoming year of Army induced single parenthood detail. The couple of months leading up to that time was by far, worse than this past 10+ months combined. I recall thinking "this is the last time we will be able to 'insert activity here' together", or "I will have to do 'insert activity here' alone", or "Murphy's Law says if it will go wrong..."
Today, I reminisced about how far I have come, month by month I thought of the struggles and time lost. I thought about how far I have come and how the upcoming year will fly by in the blink of an eye, and I will look back on it and remember how I wished this year had gone by that fast. The reality is, it did. I think anyone that has endured a deployment can attest to how mysterious time really is in that aspect.
This time next year I will remember the struggles, the long days, the loneliness, and the happy moments that would have been much happier had I not done them alone. This time next year I will realize that I, at least for a while, took advantage of time rather than wishing it away.
Some days, weeks, or months seem to drag on, and if we look at it objectively, they drag on based on our attitudes and perspectives. The old adage really is true, time flies when you are having fun.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Chapter 23 "And Another Day Bites The Dust" 07/21/2012
For the past two deployments I have sent Brian an email just about every day, sometimes two if I have something extra to add that I may have forgotten, but rarely have I missed a day.
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Recently I was having lunch with some girl friends from high school as it was the weekend of our twentieth high school reunion. I didn't make it to the reunion as it would have required finding an overnight sitter for the kiddo and the dogs, transportation to and from work for Paige, as well as an overnight stay in a hotel, in the end it was just too much of a hassle to coordinate, and as previous posts have stated, I am poor in patience. Anyway, at lunch one of my friends, with whom I basically lived with every weekend during the last deployment, recalled how we would drive around at night searching for open networks so I could send my emails. Oh how far we have come! Of course I have kept and treasured each and every one sent and received both then and now, and occasionally, I go back in time to see where we were back then. There is nothing like a little perspective.
As I wrote today's rendition of "this is my life", I noticed how excited I am getting now that time is getting shorter. I am finally allowing the protective barrier that I have kept up to slowly billow down. I am a little more talkative and feeling a sense of relief. I look forward to moving on to another chapter of our lives!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Chapter 22 "And she puts it all in little boxes" 07/10/2012
For some reason I do my best thinking in bed before I fall asleep. I often wish I had some way to think my thoughts onto paper, because if I bothered taking the time to write things down they would be fleeting. Last night I had an epiphany. Honest to God I bet a light bulb actually went off over my head. I don't recall what or why I thought of it, but I realized that my life is spent separating every thing and every one and every emotion. I think it is how I manage deployment.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
I bet if you could see into my soul, there would be tiny boxes stacked upon one another, all neatly labeled and not so neatly organized. One year for Christmas my mother-in-law found these amazing Longaberger plates that were partitioned off so I can have three food items that do not touch, BEST. PRESENT. EVER. Do you have any idea how much I don't like my food to touch? Now, there are times when food is meant to touch or mix, that's fine like if you have Shepherds Pie, BUT I don't want my meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas to touch if they aren't meant to, do you follow? I spent the good part of an evening separating my son's Lego's into colors and then into their very own Ziplock bags. Parties...I am not a fan of any type of party, that includes weddings, get together's, children's birthday parties, barbeques, etc. Sounds silly right? In my mind, I have some kind of control over keeping everyone apart, not evil take over the world control, but Drama Management control. I would LOVE being able to mingle people together but for me, it just causes a level of anxiety I prefer to avoid. My parents are divorced, that there, is two separate gatherings and if I am being honest, even within my family there are people you don't want to be together in the same room for one reason or another. There are the in-laws, again, there is no peaceful, comfortable, anxiety-less gathering when you look at the whole. Friends, is this one talking to that one, will so and so be uncomfortable, will I be uncomfortable, can I tolerate this ones kids or do I even want to, can I mix them with family on this side or that? My friends, his friends...it is just best to keep everyone in their respective little box. So, now we are down to emotions, apparently there are a LOT of soldiers who are due to come home soon. All the women are pretty much in an uproar, every day you see the same or similar questions, will he still love me, how do I get the spark back, has he changed, have I changed, I am set in my routine now how will that change...For me, I have a box for all that. I have a box somewhere amongst all the others labeled "Loneliness", in it are all my feelings of well, loneliness. I don't sit around and cry, not because I don't care but because at this point in time, I have no need for that emotion. Feeling lonely isn't helpful right now. There is a box labeled "Disappointment" and that box is considerably larger than some of the others for various reasons, I have a feeling the two boxes coincide a little, but they definitely do not mix. There are boxes for "Worry" and "Doubt" and so many other emotions that I could be wasting my time concentrating on but, right now I have an open box of "Survival" sitting front and center.
I believe I manage a little easier than some because I keep my life compartmentalized. I think I cope very well in that aspect, however, once this deployment is over, I have a lot of unpacking to do.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Chapter 21 "Soldiering on, for dummies" 07/09/2012
When all else fails, I know I can blame deployment, for all of my problems, misgivings, shortcomings, and failures. I can point a finger to the big elephant in the room and be exonerated to some degree, but I don't. I don't do this for myself and I don't do this for my kids. At the end of the day, the only reason any of us will need a crutch is if we somehow broke a leg.
I mention this because recently we have been struggling. We are all at the end of our ropes in respects for patience. It has been tempting to explain away our behaviors with "we just can't help it, we are tired of waiting" until the husband/Daddy comes home. There have been numerous occasions in which I have thought that continually taking the high road simply allows others to behave poorly, but at the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. Take tonight for instance, someone posted something on Facebook suggesting that it really isn't that tough to run a home and be a parent if you don't also have a job, okay, fine, I get that to some degree, BUT don't spout that off when you have a husband, or wife, who comes home to help out every day or night, or if you have family that is helping you make your "ends" by helping with your children. Typically this type of thing doesn't get to me, I give said person, whomever it may be, their moment to complain, I mean we are all entitled to air our grievances and we should all try to support one another, but tonight this just got under my skin. It has taken every ounce of willpower to not respond with, "try doing it all 24/7 with minimal help, then check back, m'kay?" I know it is simply that I am at the end of the proverbial rope and soon such things won't bother me, but in the meantime, we soldier on!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Chapter 20 "All I need is just a little patience" 7/3/2012
Today was day two of swim lessons for Cooper. I thought things would go great since yesterday was such a success, WRONG! Flash back to the survey I mentioned a couple days ago...one of the sets of questions focused on how kids with deployed parents do with new activities or being away from the primary caregiver/parent. Cooper scored the lowest in this category.
Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson. This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids. That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions. He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard. I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot. After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I. After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off. UNCOOL. So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene. In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.
This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation. I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior. I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior. I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently. For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip. He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.
I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".
Somehow it slipped through the cracks to call us about which time slot to show up for our first lesson, but it worked out in our benefit because Cooper received a one on one lesson. This caused him to imprint like a gosling to his instructor from yesterday, who today was working with a group of less adept children, so he was to go with the older, more experienced kids. That set him off into a meltdown of massive and embarrassing proportions. He got out of the water and suddenly he was tired and "I miss Daddy" and what was worse he started snot and tears bawling, and then came the "I am worried about Daddy, when will Daddy come home, I don't want Daddy to die" loudly enough that other parents inevitably heard. I try not to put myself into the situation in which I feel the need to explain Daddy's whereabouts, so I hurried him out of earshot. After about 20 minutes of consoling him and trying to convince him to take his lesson and threatening to not go to the pool again until he learned to swim, I decided to soften my impatient heart and allow him to sit on the side and watch, after all, if I made a threat like that and didn't follow through, not only would he suffer, but so would I. After 10 minutes of watching he finally got in and took over the class by showing off. UNCOOL. So, like a mother hen, I sat poolside shooting "Mom" glances and quietly disciplining him the best I could without causing my own scene. In the end, our mission was accomplished, swim lesson number two was under our belt and all threats aside we could enjoy a day at the pool once more, but not today.
This set the mood for the rest of the day, a good portion of which I spent feeling guilty for the manner in which I handled the situation. I frequently observe other parents and how they handle their children and they all seem to have this never ending supply of not only patience but a high tolerance for bad behavior. I am all in for more patience, it is a virtue after all, but I have no room for tolerance of bad behavior. I thought a lot about whether or not he is too attached to me and I to him, a thought that I ponder quite frequently. For the past ten months we have been attached at the hip. He is okay to spend some time away from me under certain circumstances and I am sure I am just beating myself up over nothing, but it isn't as if there is a guide book letting me know I am doing the right thing.
I simply need an extra supply of patience, I am in the red lately and what little is left is on "waiting for this year to end detail".
Monday, July 2, 2012
Chapter 19 "Wishing time away" 07/02/2012
My favorite season is summer, it occurred to me recently that I have been spending this summer wishing it away. It is not unusual to spend more time wishing away time, then to actually enjoy the time I have. It doesn't stop at deployments either, there are countless training sessions, drill weekends, AT, the list goes on and on, in these times of being apart I typically experience a lot of guilt. The guilt comes in many forms, it may be the result of having fun without my husband, being here for the once in a lifetime moments he is missing, or for silly resentment I sometimes feel because holding down the fort gets overwhelming and exhausting. The result is pretty much the same, I wish time away.
While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days. Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan. Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week. We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's! Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer! Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.
While I am in the home stretch of this deployment, I have made an executive decision to stop wishing away the days. Instead of feeling guilty for taking the kids to the pool, I am going to relish sitting by the pool, all carefree and tan. Instead of spending the days inside and wasting away, we are going to go out and pretend as if we are just like everyone else.
So, this week, I have crammed in just about everything I can possibly fit into a week. We started swimming lessons and are preparing for a new belt in Tang Soo Do, we have the Fourth of July coming up and there will be no shortage of parades, fireworks, or BBQ's! Old Glory shall fly proudly in our yard, we will wear red, white, and blue, we will sing along with Toby Keith,okay for the sake of others we might hold off on the singing, but we will take advantage of every minute summer has to offer! Summer will be fun, it will be a blur and before we know it, we will be enjoying it without wishing it away anymore.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Chapter 18 "Learning a little from our kids" 07/01/2012
Recently, one of the many military support pages I am a part of, posted a link for a survey for parents of children who have a deployed family member. I decided I may have some useful things to contribute since Cooper is within the age parameters they were looking for, and upon completion, I get paid fifty dollars. WINNING right? So, I spent about forty five minutes to an hour answering questions.
I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general. What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient. There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined. Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment. I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with. While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.
As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment. The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children. I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped. Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.
I have spent the time leading up to this deployment and the duration of it worrying about how it will ultimately affect Cooper and his Dad's relationship and how it will affect Cooper in general. What I learned is that what they say is true, kids are resilient. There have been days in which Cooper's body appeared to be invaded by a demon child, days in which sadness has prevailed, days of extreme joy or endless chatter, but at the end of the day, I think he is stronger than I could have ever imagined. Filling out that survey reminded me of how proud I am of his tolerance and acceptance of this deployment. I could honestly say that he is very well rounded and socially adept, he can carry on a mature conversation and likes and is liked by everyone that he comes into contact with. While I am sure that I added something to the survey, I am not sure that the results were what they were looking for, or perhaps, they were exactly what they were looking for.
As to not be overlooked, they did ask how I was handling the deployment. The same cannot be said about adults, I am not so sure we are as "resilient" as children. I am pretty sure I have the occasional temper tantrum down, a fact I am not especially proud of, but the pity parties, lack of interest, isolation, sleeplessness, comfort eating, WINE...the list goes on and on for how I have, and many of my fellow military wives have coped. Perhaps we can learn a little from our kids.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Chapter 17 "Reset" for Dummies
Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 3? In it there is a scene in which a very “evolved”
Buzz Lightyear is captured by Lot’s o and reset to factory settings. Well, I feel much like I have been “reset” to
my ‘just deployed’ state.
I have pretty
much accomplished nine months of separation, nine months that many cannot
fathom, nine months that include birthday’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s,
Valentine’s, a milestone anniversary, and many nondescript days in-between. Nine months that encompassed three seasons,
one of which is NOT my favorite by any stretch of the imagination. Yet, leading up to those nine months was a
certain stress that is unexplainable, and immediately after, is devastating
to the psyche, to the point that there is a strange euphoria, because you know
that the worst is finally behind you, i.e. that goodbye, and then the strange
realization that the worst may very well be ahead of you.
There is a stage I refer to as “the rut”. I could go for days without leaving the
house, I stay in my pajamas, everything and everyone gets on the only nerve I
think I have left and my level of anxiety is at an all time high. I lose patience quickly, I feel anxious and
empty.
It was amazing to have a brief visit with my husband. Such a strange sentence really. Who visits with their spouse? People in jail? I don’t know, all I know is that R&R is
just that, it is simply a visit. They are no more at home than we are soldiers
in the desert.
Nearly a week has passed and in that week I have gone
through a time elapsed version of what I went through nine months ago. I think I am finally coming out of the rut, there
is finally a light at the end of this tunnel.
Strangely, it is no comfort to know that we are more than
three quarters of the way done. It is no
comfort to know that I am “keeping busy” which sounds completely different
depending on who suggests it, i.e.
military vs. civilian. So, we keep on
keeping on and we hurry up and wait, and before you know it we shall be
reunited once more.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Chapter 16 "Rebuilding the fortress" for Dummies
With R&R safely tucked behind us it is time to get back into old routines. Easier said than done, I have had a reminder of what life used to be like, once upon a time.
I got a little spoiled over my two week interruption. Again, no disrespect to the time spent with my husband, but I am sure he will understand what I mean.
It is the small things that I will miss, like not having to buckle the little guy in his car seat every time we go somewhere, or disrupting his schedule because I have to pick up my daughter from work past his bedtime.
Typically I enjoy night time but now I am reminded that I am alone. It is time to start looking for that silver lining I am so fond of, for example, I am now 100% in charge of the house temperature! It is almost a game to change the thermostat to see how long it is before he realizes it and guess whether or not he will call me out or simply change it back the ONE degree I moved it. Looking back, I don't even know if that one degree was anything more than asserting my control or if I really needed an additional degree of warmth.
I got a little spoiled over my two week interruption. Again, no disrespect to the time spent with my husband, but I am sure he will understand what I mean.
It is the small things that I will miss, like not having to buckle the little guy in his car seat every time we go somewhere, or disrupting his schedule because I have to pick up my daughter from work past his bedtime.
Typically I enjoy night time but now I am reminded that I am alone. It is time to start looking for that silver lining I am so fond of, for example, I am now 100% in charge of the house temperature! It is almost a game to change the thermostat to see how long it is before he realizes it and guess whether or not he will call me out or simply change it back the ONE degree I moved it. Looking back, I don't even know if that one degree was anything more than asserting my control or if I really needed an additional degree of warmth.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Chapter 15 "R&R" for Dummies
I have done R&R (Rest and Relaxation) twice now, and I stand by my
initial impression that R&R is a poorly executed idea. Basically, you are
given two weeks in which you get out of the comfort zone/fortress that you
carefully built the last few (or more) months. Don't get me wrong, I
enjoy that I had the opportunity to spend some time with my husband, some
people aren't as fortunate for one reason or another, but mentally it hits you
like a Mack truck.
R&R is simply too short. Week one is a week of decompressing, readjusting and reacquainting, then there are the factors against you, time change, jet lag, reintroduction of home cooked meals and in some cases alcohol. Week two things finally start to feel like they used to and by that time, it is time to start mentally preparing/distancing, packing up and heading back again. When your SO leaves, instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment or a renewed feeling of "I can do it" you are thrust into the reality of "here we go again".
Soldiers returning home get "briefed" on what to expect and what not to expect when they come home, after all, in many cases a lot of time has passed and we all know how much can change in a short period of time. I doubt my husband has ever left and not returned to newly painted walls and some renovation that I either did myself or contracted out. There are the less obvious things that change, little nuances that you might not notice on a daily basis and you worry about them or their existence. On the flip side, we are not prepared on what to expect or not expect, maybe it is different if you are a full time "Army Wife", and perhaps National Guard spouses don't get the full Monty when it comes to preparation. I joined a support group when Brian deployed the first time (being just a girlfriend at the time) and over the years I have given advice to countless women about R&R or deployments and what to expect or not expect and I fully believed (and still do) in all I said, but taking my own advice is a horse of a different color.
I think I will suggest to my husband that we each complete an "after action report" as they say in the Army. He has always said that there is always room for improvement. I guess that since another deployment or long separation for training is inevitable in our lifestyle being prepared for the worse isn't the worst idea.
R&R is simply too short. Week one is a week of decompressing, readjusting and reacquainting, then there are the factors against you, time change, jet lag, reintroduction of home cooked meals and in some cases alcohol. Week two things finally start to feel like they used to and by that time, it is time to start mentally preparing/distancing, packing up and heading back again. When your SO leaves, instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment or a renewed feeling of "I can do it" you are thrust into the reality of "here we go again".
Soldiers returning home get "briefed" on what to expect and what not to expect when they come home, after all, in many cases a lot of time has passed and we all know how much can change in a short period of time. I doubt my husband has ever left and not returned to newly painted walls and some renovation that I either did myself or contracted out. There are the less obvious things that change, little nuances that you might not notice on a daily basis and you worry about them or their existence. On the flip side, we are not prepared on what to expect or not expect, maybe it is different if you are a full time "Army Wife", and perhaps National Guard spouses don't get the full Monty when it comes to preparation. I joined a support group when Brian deployed the first time (being just a girlfriend at the time) and over the years I have given advice to countless women about R&R or deployments and what to expect or not expect and I fully believed (and still do) in all I said, but taking my own advice is a horse of a different color.
I think I will suggest to my husband that we each complete an "after action report" as they say in the Army. He has always said that there is always room for improvement. I guess that since another deployment or long separation for training is inevitable in our lifestyle being prepared for the worse isn't the worst idea.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Chapter 14 "Roller Coaster of Emotions for Dummies" 05/18/2012
Anyone that has endured a deployment knows that you have a nonstop ticket on the emotional roller coaster. One day you are on top of the world, perhaps you received a 2 minute phone call, an email, a text, or letter, or maybe you just feel confident in your relationship. Twenty four hours later could be the bottom of the barrel; you made the mistake of watching the news, talked to the wrong person, got in a fight with a friend or family member, had a bad day at work, or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to the extreme elation or depression but as the saying goes, "one day at a time" or "this too shall pass".
I am over eight months into this deployment. I have had many days of elation and many days of sheer depression. For the most part, throughout my years I have learned to cope with the hand that life deals. I don't think beyond the outer surface because to do so would open myself up to things that are unpleasant so it seems easier to disassociate myself and live outside myself until it is safe to "come back".
I find myself in the predicament of having to "come back" as R&R is quickly approaching, much quicker than I anticipated and it is a good thing, but with it comes the typical fears; will we feel the same, will he still love/like me, will he still be attracted to me, has he changed, have I changed, will he like what I have done to the house, have I kept up my end of the bargain, do I have time to shave? Haha, I had to throw a funny in there.
So, once again there is yet another weird part in the roller coaster, I wouldn't say we are climbing nor are we in a dip, maybe we are in the sideways twirly part. Either way, I am starting to get very anxious and excited!
I am over eight months into this deployment. I have had many days of elation and many days of sheer depression. For the most part, throughout my years I have learned to cope with the hand that life deals. I don't think beyond the outer surface because to do so would open myself up to things that are unpleasant so it seems easier to disassociate myself and live outside myself until it is safe to "come back".
I find myself in the predicament of having to "come back" as R&R is quickly approaching, much quicker than I anticipated and it is a good thing, but with it comes the typical fears; will we feel the same, will he still love/like me, will he still be attracted to me, has he changed, have I changed, will he like what I have done to the house, have I kept up my end of the bargain, do I have time to shave? Haha, I had to throw a funny in there.
So, once again there is yet another weird part in the roller coaster, I wouldn't say we are climbing nor are we in a dip, maybe we are in the sideways twirly part. Either way, I am starting to get very anxious and excited!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Chapter Thirteen "Deployment For Dummies, The Ladies Have Spoken" 05/16/2012
A couple of months ago I came across a blog that indicated
what military wives/girlfriends/fiancés wish civilians knew. I related so much to that entry I reached
out to my own military friends to ask them what they thought of the blog and the
things that they wished civilians knew.
The responses were very interesting, and what it boils down to is, we are
a strong group of women.
I asked what the biggest obstacle was while their SO (significant
other) was away, most of the responses I received had to do with becoming independent,
lack of communication, or availability of communication, I cannot tell you how
many people think that Skype is a widely available and reliable tool, also saying
goodbye and conveying your feelings without making your SO feeling guilty made the cut. There is the obvious choice too, which
according to Jill is, “When I cried, I cried alone. When I smiled, I smiled
alone.” My personal obstacle is probably when I have to coordinate
between the two kids and have to be in two places at once or sacrifice my “me”
time by allowing the little one to stay up late since we have to pick up my
daughter from work well past his bedtime.
What do we wish civilians knew? I
wish they wouldn’t expect me to be the one to reach out. I don’t expect
anyone to be a mind reader but sometimes I just wish someone would TAKE
the reins from me. I think Niki also had a good take on it, “Just
because I put on a happy face and stop complaining and crying every minute
doesn't mean that it's easy. Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I
want to cry about it. Some days are easy and some days are freaking impossible.
Some days the time flies by and some days I feel like he's never coming home.
Don't get mad if I shut you out, and don't get mad if I need you constantly.
Whether we dated for 2 days or 2 years before he left, I still promised to wait
for him. Your judgments on how easy/hard it is are not needed or wanted.”
There are some things and questions we really don’t want to
hear. I am a big fan of “it’s only a
year”; it knocks me over every time I hear it.
Therese summed up a few of the ridiculous questions/statements we get, “How
many people did he kill? Do you miss him? Wow, my boyfriend would NEVER leave
me like that. If my husband left, I would die, I love him so much I couldn't
survive without him, I wonder how you do that. It's no big deal, he'll be back
before you know it, this year will fly by so quickly. Yeah, well you probably
get to talk to him everyday, right--I mean, with the internet nowadays... I
know EXACTLY how you feel---my boyfriend's been out of town for two days and he
didn't answer his phone this morning!” Okay so maybe you think we are being
oversensitive and perhaps we are, however we are never in a "who has it worse" war with our civilian friends, we DO take into consideration that most
people just don’t know what to say and like Jenny said, “In hind sight, I think
they are just trying to be helpful and understanding, but sometimes it is
frustrating.”
If we had a wish list of things we hoped that someone would
do randomly for us, Kim hit the nail on the head, “Take me out to dinner or for
a pedicure or something like that. I would not even expect them to pay...just
take the initiative.” Or like Chealsea
said, “Call to check on ME” I think this all leads to the mindset that we
sometimes feel forgotten, lost in the shuffle or replaced with more convenient or less
complicated friends/relatives. We may suddenly become the "third" wheel or we may not have a babysitter and as "free" to do things, but we still could use the friendship. On that note, we may turn you down, multiple times, for one reason or another, don't take it personally and don't stop asking.
Obviously, I have an issue asking for help, which for me is
a great obstacle and perhaps the hardest of all, and I am not alone. Nearly all the ladies that participated said
that asking for help was a difficult thing to overcome or was perceived as weak
or what they perceived as weak. Not only
do we take extreme pride in supporting our loved ones in the military, but we
also take great pride in our independent natures. A response from Jenny was quoted by several
women, “In some ways, I like deployments (strange as it sounds) because it
shows me that I am not dependent on my husband. Most of my friends who are not
in the military life will never get to experience this type of independence in
a marriage. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's bad... but this is my life
and I wouldn't change a thing about it.”
Don’t confuse that with any of us thinking that we are any better than a
civilian couple, the comparison is apples and oranges, but when life hands your
lemons, you make lemonade!
Chapter Twelve "Deployment for Dummies Anniversaries across the Ocean" 4/9/2012
Technically it is tomorrow, April 9th, our anniversary, at least in the desert. How does a couple celebrate an anniversary separated by an ocean? You celebrate the best you can.
Last week I received a wooden photo frame with a quote engraved in it from my husband. Some women might be offended by a small token; it isn't elaborate, it isn't jewelry or flowers...it isn't showy or expensive, but for me, I know he took the time to look up the "traditional" gift for a 5 year anniversary (wood) and a special quote that he felt in his heart. Any man can buy flowers or jewelry but do they really come from the heart? Did he really have to do any research or put any thought into it? Perhaps, but I am not only content but satisfied and excited for my gift because I look forward to filling it with a special photo that will carry the gift on long after the flowers have died.
Alas, I on the other hand, have failed at the romantic anniversary gift. What do you send to someone camping out in the desert to celebrate your love? Five years is a milestone after all, yet the only thing I will be sending him is a link to a song that makes me think of the past five years and how he has changed them. I will send a care package of some goodies but overall, there will be no official "gift". It makes me sad to think that I didn't go all out but I am hopeful I can make up for it next year. Oh next year has some major making up to do!
Last week I received a wooden photo frame with a quote engraved in it from my husband. Some women might be offended by a small token; it isn't elaborate, it isn't jewelry or flowers...it isn't showy or expensive, but for me, I know he took the time to look up the "traditional" gift for a 5 year anniversary (wood) and a special quote that he felt in his heart. Any man can buy flowers or jewelry but do they really come from the heart? Did he really have to do any research or put any thought into it? Perhaps, but I am not only content but satisfied and excited for my gift because I look forward to filling it with a special photo that will carry the gift on long after the flowers have died.
Alas, I on the other hand, have failed at the romantic anniversary gift. What do you send to someone camping out in the desert to celebrate your love? Five years is a milestone after all, yet the only thing I will be sending him is a link to a song that makes me think of the past five years and how he has changed them. I will send a care package of some goodies but overall, there will be no official "gift". It makes me sad to think that I didn't go all out but I am hopeful I can make up for it next year. Oh next year has some major making up to do!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Chapter Eleven "Deployment for Dummies, I couldn't have said it better" 4/6/2012
Ah Pinterest, my lovely time waster. I am currently couch bound due to nerve damage in my back so finding things to do while the little one has control of the television has lead to time on Pinterest. Typically I steer clear of the trendy "military" stuff as I don't like to spend too much time dwelling on my military affilitation, think "Army Wives" if you will. But today I came across a blog that described so many of the things I feel...things I wish that others could, would, and should understand.
If you are a military wife, believe me, you will completely relate to what she says and if you are a civilian who is friends or related to a military wife or husband, I suggest you read and do what you can, you never know how that seemingly small act might change someone's day, week, or month!
Here is the link:
http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2012/03/dear-civilians-what-every-military-wife-wants-you-to-know.html
If you are a military wife, believe me, you will completely relate to what she says and if you are a civilian who is friends or related to a military wife or husband, I suggest you read and do what you can, you never know how that seemingly small act might change someone's day, week, or month!
Here is the link:
http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2012/03/dear-civilians-what-every-military-wife-wants-you-to-know.html
Monday, March 26, 2012
Chapter 10 "Deployment Management for Dummies" 3/26/2012
Last night I was asked how my husband was doing, I replied
with “he is fine, we are managing”. I
never know how to answer that question.
Usually I say he is bored and ready to come home, that we are ready for
him to come home, and while that is a fair (oh how I hate that word, just as
much as I despise the word hate) assessment, it just doesn’t seem like the
right answer.
We are managing and the husband is fine, but how do you
answer the polite questions, especially when you really want to say: “I want to
take a permanent vacation, I wish the kids had a turn off button, I am lonely, and
I am tired…” and those are just the nice little answers; those aren’t the dark
deep thoughts. Okay, don’t get your
panties in a bunch, I am not suicidal, I am not anywhere near wanting to harm
my kids, I am not at the end of my rope, nothing drastic at all, but I am
tired.
Our son goes to a class a couple times a week; it is thirty
minutes of me not being “in charge”. I
see him off and I go to a quiet corner and I answer emails, texts, messages and
anything else that has been pushed aside.
I fear, yet I don’t, that I am that “snobby mom” that is too good to
make small talk with the other parents.
I almost want to wear a sign that says “I am not snobby, this is my 30
minutes of peace, please don’t judge me for it”. For now, I will take my chances that once
life gets back to normal they might understand that I really am not the person
they might currently perceive me to be.
In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions on how to
answer the polite questions, I am currently accepting any and all responses!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Chapter 9 "Deployment 'Housekeeping' For Dummies" 3/35/2012
Military women have this amazing ability to make lemonade
out of lemons, to find the silver lining if you will.
Today, I was joking with a fellow wife who will soon be
welcoming her husband home. That in
itself is an amazingly wonderful thing, but we find the silver lining while
they are gone and one of the very best ones is one that I am sure would make
Schick and Bic quiver. When your husband
is away you don’t think twice about ‘housekeeping’, err, shaving. I cannot tell you how many of my friends have
been shaved, plucked, and waxed just days before their significant other
returns.
Personally, I partake in all the “silver linings” that are
available to me: sole control of the
thermostat and remote, eating cereal for dinner, staying up late and lingering
in bed in the morning, letting the laundry pile up, and of course, not shaving
for days on end!
Chapter 8 "Deployment Donuts for Dummies" 3/24/2012
I may have stated a time or two that time is the enemy in deployment. No gun or weapon of mass destruction is as dangerous as time. I mean no disrespect to anyone (or their family/friends/community for that matter) that has been injured or lost a limb or given the ultimate sacrifice of their life--but in general, time is a ticking bomb.
Some people count down or mark off the days; they create paper chains with their kids or somehow creatively account for time gone by or time to go. I have a handy little app on my phone called the "donut of misery" in which anyone can count up or down to something. Sometimes it is exciting to check it out and see how far you have come and other times you look and wish you never did, as it is kind enough to not only count months, but weeks, days, hours, minutes...seconds.
I tend to be a 'glass half full' girl but that darn donut makes me a 'glass half empty' girl from time to time. I opened it recently, and mine counts time gone by (since we don't have a return date) and time until R&R, which in the civilian world means VACATION for my husband. I find it funny they refer to it as "rest and relaxation". You essentially get 14 days 2-4 are spent traveling back in time and at least that much is spent dealing with jet lag and readjusting to being back in the States, not to mention the 14 days spent dreading the "see you later".
Today I had some time away from the kids to do some grocery shopping. During the ride I allowed myself to think about the impending R&R time we will get. I am often asked about it, "do I look forward to it?" "how will our son handle it?" "am I excited?". I have done R&R once before and it was exciting, I couldn't wait, I fretted over outfits and plans, I talked about it with my girlfriends, I dreamt about it. This time, I have not allowed myself the luxury of thinking about it until today. I try to handle most things with avoidance, I simply don't think about it; I rarely know what day it is in a month so I don't keep track of how much time has gone by, though subconsciously I track time by Thursday's since that was the last day of the week we were together. While it is still many weeks off, I thought about how I will handle putting our family back together again, and then, I got excited. I allowed my mind to wander to the day I get to head to the airport. I think I will just tell our little boy that we are going to pick up Mommy's "friend" and PRAY I arrive at the correct gate. (Long story) Everything else will just fall into place.
Some people count down or mark off the days; they create paper chains with their kids or somehow creatively account for time gone by or time to go. I have a handy little app on my phone called the "donut of misery" in which anyone can count up or down to something. Sometimes it is exciting to check it out and see how far you have come and other times you look and wish you never did, as it is kind enough to not only count months, but weeks, days, hours, minutes...seconds.
I tend to be a 'glass half full' girl but that darn donut makes me a 'glass half empty' girl from time to time. I opened it recently, and mine counts time gone by (since we don't have a return date) and time until R&R, which in the civilian world means VACATION for my husband. I find it funny they refer to it as "rest and relaxation". You essentially get 14 days 2-4 are spent traveling back in time and at least that much is spent dealing with jet lag and readjusting to being back in the States, not to mention the 14 days spent dreading the "see you later".
Today I had some time away from the kids to do some grocery shopping. During the ride I allowed myself to think about the impending R&R time we will get. I am often asked about it, "do I look forward to it?" "how will our son handle it?" "am I excited?". I have done R&R once before and it was exciting, I couldn't wait, I fretted over outfits and plans, I talked about it with my girlfriends, I dreamt about it. This time, I have not allowed myself the luxury of thinking about it until today. I try to handle most things with avoidance, I simply don't think about it; I rarely know what day it is in a month so I don't keep track of how much time has gone by, though subconsciously I track time by Thursday's since that was the last day of the week we were together. While it is still many weeks off, I thought about how I will handle putting our family back together again, and then, I got excited. I allowed my mind to wander to the day I get to head to the airport. I think I will just tell our little boy that we are going to pick up Mommy's "friend" and PRAY I arrive at the correct gate. (Long story) Everything else will just fall into place.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Chapter 7 "Deployment Blahs For Dummies" 3/21/2012
So much for trying to blog it out more often...
Well, we made it over the "hump" and are on the down side of this deployment. I cannot say I feel any different. I still look at my Donut of Misery and see that I am just barely over the half way mark. On the upside, I am three quarters of the way to R&R, and that makes me smile.
In the past couple of weeks we managed to celebrate my birthday. In true fashion it got completely ridiculous and not the "ridiculous" that means "out of control awesome".
My very fabulous husband attempted to plan, with the help of my very good friends, a day of shopping, sans the little child, a home cooked meal and cake and ice cream from my favorite place, Coldstone Creamery. I was also to receive an hour with a personal trainer followed by an hour massage. My husband knows me well. Low key, small, intimate. Well, let's just say, one thing led to another and it is really hard to plan from 6,500 miles away. Our son got sick the day before my personal trainer hour and because of timing, the massage is pretty much a no go. We figured he would play in the gym while Mommy worked out but to allow me to be in a position in which I might get too comfy and fall asleep...well that is just not possible. I still need to reschedule the time, but lo and behold, I get sick. When you might ask? My BIRTHDAY! Seriously, I wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck. I was fortunate in that my sister and niece came up to spend the weekend with me so I at least had company. I am finally on the mend and the good part is my friends have promised a mulligan birthday, except this time I don't have to age, I can go for that.
Speaking of my sister, she has been wonderful in coming up and spending weekends with me here and there. It is nice to have another adult in the house, someone to cook with and for...someone to catch the things I miss...someone to talk to without picking up a phone...someone to either watch the little one while I play taxi cab driver or to actually go and play taxi cab driver. It is funny the little things that you take advantage of when you have a co-pilot in the house. Okay, okay, it isn't all like that all the time. To be honest, we do a lot of eating, watching TV, playing with each others hair, (but not in that provocative way a guy would think about) sister things. I don't worry about offending her with things I might say or do and I am pretty certain she would feel the same way. It is just comfortable. Anyway, she came up a few weeks ago and decided she wanted to start watching Army Wives. I only discuss the show with other army wives (or national guard wives, hahaha) so it was interesting to see what it would be like to watch it with someone that really didn't understand the lifestyle. I am not sure how I am more entertained, watching the show with my sister or watching the show with my sister. It is funny to think that at one point in my life I didn't know all the Army/military stuff I know now. There are a lot of moments on that show that I completely understand though. One part that sticks out was where Michael told Joan that Claudia Joy said it was harder for those left behind when soldiers deploy, that soldiers are trained to go away--they are trained for the experience, those left behind have to carry on and nothing prepares you for that. Yes, that pretty much sums it up.
The show also got us thinking about moving or in military lingo "pcs'ing". I have been itching to move for sometime now. I lived in the same town for over thirty years of my life and have been in my current locale for over 6 and it was nice at first but this deployment has really opened my eyes to what could be, what should be, what isn't...I almost long for someone to say "You are moving to _____ on _____." and that be that. Now it is a choice and when you have a choice everyone has an opinion. My absolute favorite is that we "can't go". I am so unsure why that it makes my head spin. I have spent the past 6 months basically alone, with the exception of my sister and a couple of quality friends, many people just dropped off the face of the earth. The sad part is, it was people I just didn't expect. I have experienced this before and if I do say so myself, I handle deployment quite well, I don't complain and it isn't as if I sit around and cry but there are a few people that have really shocked me with their lack of compassion or lack of existence throughout this journey. I could go into how low my expectations are of others but that is a whole other blog post.
Well, we made it over the "hump" and are on the down side of this deployment. I cannot say I feel any different. I still look at my Donut of Misery and see that I am just barely over the half way mark. On the upside, I am three quarters of the way to R&R, and that makes me smile.
In the past couple of weeks we managed to celebrate my birthday. In true fashion it got completely ridiculous and not the "ridiculous" that means "out of control awesome".
My very fabulous husband attempted to plan, with the help of my very good friends, a day of shopping, sans the little child, a home cooked meal and cake and ice cream from my favorite place, Coldstone Creamery. I was also to receive an hour with a personal trainer followed by an hour massage. My husband knows me well. Low key, small, intimate. Well, let's just say, one thing led to another and it is really hard to plan from 6,500 miles away. Our son got sick the day before my personal trainer hour and because of timing, the massage is pretty much a no go. We figured he would play in the gym while Mommy worked out but to allow me to be in a position in which I might get too comfy and fall asleep...well that is just not possible. I still need to reschedule the time, but lo and behold, I get sick. When you might ask? My BIRTHDAY! Seriously, I wake up feeling like I was hit by a truck. I was fortunate in that my sister and niece came up to spend the weekend with me so I at least had company. I am finally on the mend and the good part is my friends have promised a mulligan birthday, except this time I don't have to age, I can go for that.
Speaking of my sister, she has been wonderful in coming up and spending weekends with me here and there. It is nice to have another adult in the house, someone to cook with and for...someone to catch the things I miss...someone to talk to without picking up a phone...someone to either watch the little one while I play taxi cab driver or to actually go and play taxi cab driver. It is funny the little things that you take advantage of when you have a co-pilot in the house. Okay, okay, it isn't all like that all the time. To be honest, we do a lot of eating, watching TV, playing with each others hair, (but not in that provocative way a guy would think about) sister things. I don't worry about offending her with things I might say or do and I am pretty certain she would feel the same way. It is just comfortable. Anyway, she came up a few weeks ago and decided she wanted to start watching Army Wives. I only discuss the show with other army wives (or national guard wives, hahaha) so it was interesting to see what it would be like to watch it with someone that really didn't understand the lifestyle. I am not sure how I am more entertained, watching the show with my sister or watching the show with my sister. It is funny to think that at one point in my life I didn't know all the Army/military stuff I know now. There are a lot of moments on that show that I completely understand though. One part that sticks out was where Michael told Joan that Claudia Joy said it was harder for those left behind when soldiers deploy, that soldiers are trained to go away--they are trained for the experience, those left behind have to carry on and nothing prepares you for that. Yes, that pretty much sums it up.
The show also got us thinking about moving or in military lingo "pcs'ing". I have been itching to move for sometime now. I lived in the same town for over thirty years of my life and have been in my current locale for over 6 and it was nice at first but this deployment has really opened my eyes to what could be, what should be, what isn't...I almost long for someone to say "You are moving to _____ on _____." and that be that. Now it is a choice and when you have a choice everyone has an opinion. My absolute favorite is that we "can't go". I am so unsure why that it makes my head spin. I have spent the past 6 months basically alone, with the exception of my sister and a couple of quality friends, many people just dropped off the face of the earth. The sad part is, it was people I just didn't expect. I have experienced this before and if I do say so myself, I handle deployment quite well, I don't complain and it isn't as if I sit around and cry but there are a few people that have really shocked me with their lack of compassion or lack of existence throughout this journey. I could go into how low my expectations are of others but that is a whole other blog post.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Chapter 6 "Deployment Hump For Dummies" 3/9/2012
It has occurred to me that it was time for a new entry, so if you are in a deployment, my title itself will be interesting; you see most enduring a deployment will see the word "hump" and not think at all "half way mark". So for those that I have to clarify, we are officially 27 weeks into this. Yes, I am a week late don't hate.
I could go on and on about the things I have done during these weeks. The list sounds like I have kept myself very busy, but don't be fooled. There is a lot of down time. I could be the ambitious wife and dedicate my free time to bettering myself like my wonderful husband does, by taking classes and learning or working out in my free time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't NOT done anything, I do make "attempts" at working out, but classes, that is a joke. Few are the moments that I am not taking care of a child or dog or being interrupted by said child or dog. Free time is spent unwinding so I don't go postal the next day, so, while I would love to be more "productive" I have other things, and people and pets, to consider.
A friend, who shall remain nameless, mirrored my feelings today. She was brave enough to admit that there are days when she doesn't get off the couch, that small tasks are daunting and cause anxiety and the thought of sleeping until this is over is probably at the top of our wish list. I have felt very much like this but I just didn't have the courage to say so.
I was talking to someone today and we were discussing people and their use of Facebook. Some people like to use Facebook or other social media to gain negative attention. People like myself prefer to give everyone the impression that even when it isn't, our lives are peachy keen and we have our stuff together. I have done VERY little complaining publicly about my life or the difficulties I face. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I don't want to give the impression of being weak or perhaps I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Perhaps I am weak in that I don't reach out to others and therefore no one really feels like I need them? There are a lot of reasons I can assure you.
What I don't share is that there are days, weeks even, when I hardly leave the house. I don't have the energy or desire to do anything but watch TV to make the time pass quicker. That sleep is the only time that I feel at peace. I worry about setting a bad example to my kids, I worry that I let my husband down who is missing out on what I feel I am taking for granted.
I don't mean to be a downer, I just realized that by pretending to always have it together I am not doing others in my position any good. We all face days or weeks when happiness comes in a pill or a wine glass. There are days I suffer silently praying someone will save me or something will happen that will break the monotony of my days. I pray that Spring and Summer will bring a welcome change to life and things will feel less dark and dreary. Don't go expecting me to start a montage of complaints though, it just isn't my style, this is the only honest moment you will probably get from me.
Yes, there are people who will think that deployment is no big deal, single mothers do it every day. Yes, they do and I bow down to them in great admiration. But every time I compare my situation to others I am reminded once more of one of the most powerful quotes I have learned from television. (Ally McBeal) Why are my problems so much bigger than others? Because they're mine.
I could go on and on about the things I have done during these weeks. The list sounds like I have kept myself very busy, but don't be fooled. There is a lot of down time. I could be the ambitious wife and dedicate my free time to bettering myself like my wonderful husband does, by taking classes and learning or working out in my free time. Don't get me wrong, I haven't NOT done anything, I do make "attempts" at working out, but classes, that is a joke. Few are the moments that I am not taking care of a child or dog or being interrupted by said child or dog. Free time is spent unwinding so I don't go postal the next day, so, while I would love to be more "productive" I have other things, and people and pets, to consider.
A friend, who shall remain nameless, mirrored my feelings today. She was brave enough to admit that there are days when she doesn't get off the couch, that small tasks are daunting and cause anxiety and the thought of sleeping until this is over is probably at the top of our wish list. I have felt very much like this but I just didn't have the courage to say so.
I was talking to someone today and we were discussing people and their use of Facebook. Some people like to use Facebook or other social media to gain negative attention. People like myself prefer to give everyone the impression that even when it isn't, our lives are peachy keen and we have our stuff together. I have done VERY little complaining publicly about my life or the difficulties I face. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I don't want to give the impression of being weak or perhaps I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Perhaps I am weak in that I don't reach out to others and therefore no one really feels like I need them? There are a lot of reasons I can assure you.
What I don't share is that there are days, weeks even, when I hardly leave the house. I don't have the energy or desire to do anything but watch TV to make the time pass quicker. That sleep is the only time that I feel at peace. I worry about setting a bad example to my kids, I worry that I let my husband down who is missing out on what I feel I am taking for granted.
I don't mean to be a downer, I just realized that by pretending to always have it together I am not doing others in my position any good. We all face days or weeks when happiness comes in a pill or a wine glass. There are days I suffer silently praying someone will save me or something will happen that will break the monotony of my days. I pray that Spring and Summer will bring a welcome change to life and things will feel less dark and dreary. Don't go expecting me to start a montage of complaints though, it just isn't my style, this is the only honest moment you will probably get from me.
Yes, there are people who will think that deployment is no big deal, single mothers do it every day. Yes, they do and I bow down to them in great admiration. But every time I compare my situation to others I am reminded once more of one of the most powerful quotes I have learned from television. (Ally McBeal) Why are my problems so much bigger than others? Because they're mine.
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